PFC Episode 26: No Hot Girl Summers

Loretta angrily explains why going to the beach is a bad idea for a vampire, even if it is hot out.

For more information or to ask Lady Loretta a question: please visit https://www.elizabethguizzetti.com/paperflowerconsortium or send her a message on the Patreon. July's topic Stop summoning Demons!

Written and Performed by Elizabeth Guizzetti

Music:

Opening and Closing music: Loretta's Theme by Evan Witt. Learn More at www.wittynotes.com

Transcript

Vampires of the PFC Episode 26: No Hot Girl Summers

Recording by Loretta Fabron Onfoy, former lady of the Kingdom of France, current Historian and Librarian of the PFC. 

My beloved Initiates: 

This has been a dangerous summer. The weather has been so hot that people are making bad decisions to beat the heat. Why must young vampires act so irresponsibly? Mon Dieu!

These happenings this week remind me why there are not more vampires! 

I thought I was clear – if you want to become a vampire, there can be no more sun. The sun kills vampires. The sun kills vampires in bikinis faster. If you love the beach, you need to decide if you want to be a vampire because being a vampire means no more days on the beach – you must go to the beach at night. Unfortunately, one of our young vampires decided if Norma can be what they call a “day walker”, than so can they.  

Yes, there has been times historically we have been forced to be in the sun, but we wore many many layers, and and yes Norma is out during the day… However, she is primarily in the back of her van. Her associate Carlos drives. To protect herself from the sun, Norma wears a floppy hat, 100 spf sunscreen, sunblocking glasses and she reapplies sunscreen every thirty minutes or if she gets at all wet. As for clothing, she wears a long sleeve loose blouse over a long sleeve shirt and jeans, wool socks and sneakers. She only goes out in short increments, her associate, Carlos, goes out if they will be outside for longer than thirty-minutes.  

In order, I do not embarrass the young vampire, so I changed her name. Lila knew that the sun can kill, but she also knew that it was hard to kill a vampire so she decided to take a trip to the beach on her day off. After all there would be a marine layer in the morning and the drive home is primarily to the east, so she thought she would be safe.  However, she did not tell anyone where she was going because she didn’t want to hear it. 

Lila began the day covered in sunscreen. She wore a cover up over her bathing suit. She had a hat, but did not cover her thick black curls in sunscreen. And she missed another place too. She was wearing because sandals and missed where one of the straps covered her feet. She found a quiet spot and spread out her beach towel. She put up her beach umbrella. She kicked off her sandals and dug her toes into the hot sand. 

All was right in the world for a little while. She was simply enjoying the sound of the ocean when a gust came off over the water and Lila’s umbrella went flying. Lila raced after it. She felt a sharp pain across her foot. She looked down and the skin was sizzling. 

She cried out, grabbed her toe and hopped. 

Not watching where she was going, she stepped on a loose log. It rolled. The log trapped her leg underneath it. She started to sweat blood, sunscreen began running off. Thankfully, her vampire strength allowed her to quickly dig around the log, freeing her foot and bringing away a thousand splinters piercing the skin. 

Leg throbbing, Lila hurried up the beach towards the safety of her car when an errant volley ball, knocked off her straw hat. Her scalp began to itch, then sizzle, then burn. Tiny pinpricks erupted on her scalp as her hair scorched. She grabbed her hat, but her scorched curls burned the skin on her face and neck. Heat blisters, swelled and cracked open, exposing the raw skin underneath with no protection at all. Acrid smoke rose, filling her nostrils with a foul, odor. 

A man ran over to apologized, but Lila had started limping away. She needed to get inside. She hoped he did not notice her burns or smoking skin, but if he did, he did not say anything.  

Her beach bag rubbed her shoulder. A line of raw inflamed skin broke out into pustules which became infected by the dirt and sand. She saw her car. She limped across the hot pavement, her foot still burning towards it. Hands shaking, she got her key in the door. In agony, she put her key in the ignition. She pulled out and turned her car to the east and began to drive home. 

Lila made it a few miles, but she was in so much pain that she stopped her car and vomited on the side of the road. Feeling a little less nauseous, she got back into her car and drove to the coven. 

Lia gingerly stepped into the hallway and climbed the steps to her unit.  I shall not say who suffered with her. But she did not want to face her family when she made a stupid mistake. Besides she did not have an enthralled human to feed her. 

However, she was seen by one of her sisters. Tabitha took one look at her cracked lips, inflamed and peeling skin, singed hair that at this point was no more than black fuzz and blistered skin, gallantly picked her up and took her into a dark room. Her eyes were so blurry she could not focus on her sister.  

Tabitha instructed her to remain calm and that the elders would be in shortly. Agata came in, tutted at the burns and gave Lila a pint of blood from the blood bank.

She went to sleep and began to heal. She remained in her own home, but Agata checked on her each day as she healed.

No hot girls summers. 

Now Lila is a young vampire and  I realize the heat makes people do ill-advised things, and I regret I have less sympathy than I should, but as of late…well…the heat has made us all ill-tempered I suppose. And now the smoke! 

Perhaps my own bad temper is because I heard Lila’s pojenitor scream as they burned with Lila. And Agata had tended to them as best as she could. No one knew where Lila was and we sought her out. Charles found her easily in the bloodline and then of course, we did know where she was, but hours away, no one could help her. She had to save herself.

I know apartments can get stuffy in the August heat, invest in a small air conditioner for each window in your home. And if you must go outside, perhaps you should try spelunking or deep-water diving.

 We Take the Long View - A word from the Paper Flower Credit Union

Tonight’s episode was sponsored by Paper Flower Credit Union established 1918. For those vampires and ancient Gods who have enjoyed a recent torpor you may remember it as the Paper Flower Savings Fund, established in 1871.

As a member owned, not for profit credit union, we are committed to our members prosperous financial well-being. We offer excellent interest in our savings accounts and CDs not seen for decades. We also offer flexible extended term mortgages with low annual APR for vampires of every budget. We take the long view!

I am so annoyed at young vampires; I do not feel like answering questions. Next month, I will be telling a story of our visiting friend, Liam Hemlock and the dangers he encountered in Seattle, as soon as I have a bit more details. 

OUTRO MUSIC: LORETTA By Evan Witt

The Paper Flower Consortium Podcast was written and performed by Elizabeth Guizzetti. You can learn more by going to http://elizabethguizzetti.com/paperflowerconsortium

If you have a question for Lady Loretta, please click the Ask Lady Loretta button or email her at info@paperflowerconsortium.com The intro and outro music was written by Evan Witt and you can learn more at www.wittynotes.com

Thank you for listening!