Immortal House Episode 2

In this second episode, Beloved Initiates, Laurence, an accidental vampire of two centuries and a first time home buyer, budget expectations are getting the better of his judgements and worse, he keeps falling into the memories of some of his biggest mistakes and talking to his memories. Worst of all, Sarah might have realized there is something not right about him...

Episode 2 CAST:
Ken Carlson stars as the vampire Laurence Roch.

Amy Riddle  performs as Sarah, the human realtor who isn't sure about her client with fangs. 

Stevie Rae Causey reprises her role as vampire, Norma. 

Hannah Duff performs as Betty, Laurence's human landlady.

Jun Hsu plays Bill, Laurence's second love.

Jennifer Brozek as Agata

Rob Clifford plays Jakub and Carlos

Lydia Randall as Pascaline

Evan Witt reprises his role as Derrik (He also wrote the wonderful intro and outro music.)

Nikki Burton as Bartender #2 and Suburban Mom

Dennis Roberts Victim #2

Gretchen SB and Abby Masterson add their voice talents and all actors were background in the bar.

Elizabeth Guizzetti as your narrator, Loretta.

Intro and Outro Music is written by Evan Witt and you can learn more about his music at www.wittynotes.com

Other background noises and music were licensed from Pond 5, StoryBlocks or made in house.
Background Music  Ludwig van Beethoven's  Sonata No. 8 In C Minor. 2. Pathetique / Emanuele Dentoni's Neo Baroque Overture and The Execution of the King / Gerardo Garcia Jr Water Drops
Frédéric François Chopin - Waltz ab Farewell No 1.
Vladyslav Krotov/Mood Mode Jazzy Retro Swing Groove

Chapters

• 0:00 Opening
• 0:51 Welcome Back, Beloved Initiates
• 2:11 House Hunting on the South End
• 5:21 Does a Vampire Belong in Suburbia?
• 7:54 Bill's Path to Vampirism
• 16:33 A Vampire's Response to Disappointment
• 18:29 Norma's Cleaning Service to the Rescue
• 24:43 Who was Laurence kissing?
• 27:37 A Cottage for Sale in Greenlake
• 28:59 A Long Walk in Laurence's Memories
• 35:08 Laurence learns of Bill's Execution and his progeny.
• 39:18 Why do Vampires Need Geometry?
• 47:04 Sarah stops returning Laurence's emails.
• 49:45 A word from Paper Flower Credit Union
• 50:46 Credits

Transcript

Vampires of the Paper Flower Consortium Halloween Special: IMMORTAL HOUSE: PART 2
Intro Music: Loretta's Theme by Evan Witt

LORETTA

Recording by Loretta Fabron Onfoy, current historian and librarian of the Paper Flower Consortium. 

Welcome back, Beloved Initiates and other listeners, tonight we shall listen to Part 2 of  Immortal House the nightmarish tale of vampires and real estate.  The story is told in three parts. If you have not listened to Part 1, please listen to it now and come back for part 2. 

Before we get started, a word about a disability. Norma’s friend and employee Carlos cannot speak, but he and Norma communicate very well through sign language, texting and old-fashioned written notes to each other. As this is an audio medium, we have a fine human, Rob Clifford, reading his notes.

Now we left off with Laurence pouring a bit of his old earth into a ziploc baggie, but this earth was not of a time where he was in a loving or supportive relationship. It was of a time when even undead life was exciting and new and somewhat easy. He mourned Suzan greatly, but by 1920, he was dating William Caruso, casually known as Bill. You will hear the men refer to him thus and Norma refers to him as Dad.  

So let us begin...Sarah had found three more properties to view and of course picked Laurence up. And Laurence carried a bag of old earth, Bill’s earth, in his pocket.

SOUND EFFECT: CAR NOISES

SARAH

Hello.

LAURENCE

Good evening.

SARAH

Perhaps you’ll let me treat you to a peppermint mocha this time?

LAURENCE

That would be magnificent....Some of these seem pretty far south.

SARAH

Your budget goes farther in the south end than the north.

Is there a listing you don’t want to see?

LAURENCE

This one in Georgetown.

SARAH

Alright.

SOUND EFFECT CAR NOISE

SARAH

This two-story house is convenient to the Columbia City buses on Rainier.

LAURENCE

Whoa, this place is way too much work for me. We can go.

SOUND EFFECT CAR NOISE.

SARAH

This midcentury brick rambler has a nice sized yard.

LAURENCE

Are we still in Seattle?

SARAH

We’re within city limits, but for shopping, you’re closer to Renton. It doesn’t have the greatest walking score, but the reason I brought you here is this home is over $100,000 under budget.

LAURENCE

Really? $100,000 less?

SARAH

Your money goes farther the further south we go. We can even spread our search to North Renton or White Center, if this house interests you.

LAURENCE

Think I could I live here without a car?

SARAH

There are several buses into the city core within walking distance on Rainier. If we find something closer to I-5, you would also have the light rail stations.

LAURENCE

I don’t think I realized how much further my money would go here. Certainly something to think about.

LAURENCE

And the house looks as good as the listing!

SARAH

The home was recently remodeled. Electrical updated, gas updated… The fireplace has a new insert, and these are brand new laminate floors.

LAURENCE

Oh these cabinets are good wood, I might have them stripped and refinished with stain.

SARAH

Yes, they look original, or at least a very early renovation....and this is the backdoor to the large, fenced backyard.

HEART BEAT sound effect. 

SARAH

(thought) Wha--What’s that?

LORETTA

Sarah spun towards Laurence quickly and stepped backwards. Laurence heard fright in her heartbeat, he did not know what he had done to set off her internal alarm, but he realized quickly he had to back off.

LAURENCE

Hmmm. Would it be inconsiderate if I walk around the block? I won’t be long.

SARAH

It’s fine.

LAURENCE

Sorry to bring this up. Forgive me for speaking on an improper …well such personal things…But can you tell me if there’s a Catholic church within walking distance? I’m so uninformed about this part of the city. Maybe that should have been on my wish list. I’m a church goer. Sorry

SARAH

(thought) Okay, definitely not a vampire.

SARAH

I’ll look on my phone and let you know by the time you get back.

LAURENCE

Thank you.

SARAH stifles a giggle.

SOUND EFFECT: DOOR

LAURENCE

Thank God for Hollywood. And thank Bill for taking me to see Dracula thirty times.

How would suburban life fit in with a stregone?

It didn’t fit with Bill. The train can get me into the city core, but I might be visible to commuters, I’d definitely be visible to the bus and light rail drivers. If I wandered this neighborhood at night without a dog, I would eventually be seen. It’s getting harder to find good food who won’t be missed. A nosey neighbor could ruin it all.

SOUND EFFECT: DOOR

SARAH

Well I found St. Paul’s off 57th. It’s about a mile away, is that too far?

LAURENCE

No, it’s not too far. But this isn’t it. The house is nice, but the neighborhood is weird. No one’s on the street or even in their front yards and it's only seven. I enjoy Drink and Draws, life drawing classes, and other art meetups. I still go to bars with my friends.

SARAH

Georgetown has an artist community. Or we could go to West Seattle, but the home is in another residential neighborhood.

LAURENCE

How close is the Georgetown listing to the airport?

SARAH

Looks like it’s a little over a half-mile.

LAURENCE

Alright. Let’s go to Georgetown

 SOUND EFFECT: CAR NOISE

LAURENCE

The front yard is really overgrown, and the front door looks ready to fall off its hinges. I don’t like that graffiti.

SARAH

Uh oh, It looks like there might be squatters in there. 

LAURENCE

Please let’s just go. I don’t want to waste any more time. I want that Beacon Hill fixer-upper. Being here…and driving through Rainier Valley helped me realize how much I want to stay in the city proper. I’m even familiar with St. John’s. Is it okay if I make an offer?

SOUND EFFECT: CAR NOISE/TRANSITION

LAURENCE

Hi Betty, I put in an offer on a house in Beacon Hill.

BETTY

Wonderful!

LAURENCE

I can hardly believe what I’m doing. It’ll be a project. I could tell it needs some plumbing work, and I’ll see what they find at the inspection. They always find something.

BETTY

Yes, they do. What’s your plans for the night?

LAURENCE

I’m staying in, I’m in the middle of a portrait. I can’t wait to show you.

BETTY

Good. Chat with you later.

LAURENCE

See ya.

SOUND EFFECT: DOOR OPEN AND CLOSE

LAURENCE

You inspired me tonight, Bill. I took what I wanted just like you would. But now I have to get my mind away from you, lest I remember how it really was between us.

BILL

When you beat your gums, you always bring the needles, don’t you?

LORETTA  

Though Laurence knew he should paint, he paced. And though he knew he should not dwell in the memories of William, he kept replaying the excitement of him mixing it with the excitement of putting in an offer for his home. He dreamt of the parties, the lovemaking, and the hunts. 

Worse, there was much more to that life that Laurence loved: he shared a close friendship with William’s wife, Dottie, and William’s two sons: Bill Junior and Jason

But all the joy and life ended when William noticed his first gray hair...

BILL

Why should you be the only one to know the secrets of life and death?

LAURENCE

But I don’t know how I became a stregone.

BILL

Then we need to figure it out…I’m not gonna be an old man!

LORETTA

Though Laurence did not care that his lover was aging, William became obsessed with life and death and as time marched on, eventually...

BILL

I can’t believe it.

LAURENCE

What?

BILL

It’s in the directory! I guess the yellow pages really can tell you everything.

LAURENCE

What are you talking about?

BILL

The Paper Flower Consortium. It’s right here under Vampire Services in Georgetown! They have a Sabbath and Fellowship each week on Sunday at midnight!

LAURENCE

You have a family—

BILL

I’m divorcing Dottie.

LAURENCE

What, but how can you abandon Dottie?

BILL

I don’t want...why does it matter?

LAURENCE

You said, you promised us if you had me, you’d never have another woman…

BILL

I don’t want another woman! I want to be forever strong. For eighteen years I suffered playing good husband and father. When do I get something?

LAURENCE

Do you know what I would’ve given to have had eighteen years with Suzan? Everything is perfect, and you’re ruining it!

BILL

Nothing is perfect! I am the one who has to play Pinochle on Thursday nights and go to church on Sundays. 

SOUND EFFECT: SLAP

LAURENCE

Stop it. 

SOUND EFFECT: SLAP

BILL

And I have a job, I work like a man should. What do you do? Pretend to be an artist? Pretend to be human on my dime.

SOUND EFFECT: SLAP

LAURENCE

I swear if you ever hit me again, I’ll kill you.

BILL

Good. Do it. You should have put me out of my misery long ago.

LAURENCE

It would be so easy to kill you.

LAURENCE SOBS

BILL

Take me to the Sabbath…Just one. If you hate it, we never have to go back.

SOUND EFFECTS: PARTY 

LORETTA

And so it was Laurence ..and William...stepped into the Paper Flower Consortium for the first time. 

AGATA

Welcome our young friends, we are happy you finally attended a Sabbath Fellowship, Laurence.

LAURENCE

Bill wanted to come. You know my name?

AGATA

Yes. We have a telepath among our number. I am Agata, and this is my husband, Jakub Bankier. We are originally from Moldavia, we understand you are from Venice?

LAURENCE

Uh yes...

AGATA

And your friend?

BILL

I am William Caruso, Madame.

AGATA

Tis lovely to meet you, William. And you are an American of this new age! Many would enjoy meeting you. 

JAKUB

Some covens still have a reputation for encouraging segregation, but as you see, we do not discriminate here by nationality, religion, skin color, or other social constructs. You and your paramour are safe here, Laurence. 

Mingle.

AGATA

Laurence, allow me to introduce my Firstborn, Pascaline. Pascaline, this is Laurence Roch.

PASCALINE

Hello, Laurence. How do you do?

LAURENCE uhh

PASCALINE

It is nice to finally meet you.

LAURENCE

You wanted to meet me?

PASCALINE

The coven has known you’ve been in Seattle for awhile. We were sure you knew about us too. 

LORETTA

Laurence did not know what to say. He had known of us. He chose to say nothing as he hid his knowledge from William. Of course, everyone who knows Pascaline knows that my sister pressed on. 

PASCALINE

My sister and I were adopted by our dear parents centuries ago, so though we are in the process of becoming an official nationally recognized coven, we are still a small family unit in many ways. 

LORETTA

From Laurence Again Silence.

Since Laurence was not conversing with Pascaline, Maman, that is Agata, introduced him around to Charles and I. Of course Laurence and Charles found more to say to each other because they both worked at Fort Vancouver. But he was afraid and nervous around other vampires and incredibly untrained in every way. After our conversation, Laurence circled groups again 

ENSEMBLE VAMPIRE

Have you my friends traveled between Seattle and Tacoma as of late, Four lanes all for automobiles can you believe it?

ENSEMBLE VAMPIRE

Ugh that Fabric what century does she think this is!

LORETTA

until Papa, that is Jakub, refilled his glass.

JAKUB

There is no need to hunt here.

LAURENCE

I-I wasn’t. I can’t find Bill.

JAKUB

Ahh. Yes. Agata and Pascaline told me you are shy.

LAURENCE

I-I…it’s just Pascaline is so beautiful, I became tongue-tied ... I can’t find Bill. 

Bill 

JAKUB

Here he is. Laurence, this is Derrik, my second born ...and Pascaline’s husband.

DERRIK 

How do you do?

LAURENCE

Can we go? I don’t understand this place.

BILL

What do you not understand? 

LAURENCE

Why won’t some of the humans talk to me?

JAKUB

The ones who won’t talk to you are enthralled to a vampire and don’t want to give you the wrong impression… Bill says he’s not your thrall.

LAURENCE

Thrall? I don’t keep slaves.

JAKUB

Thralls are not slaves, they give us blood. We give them whatever they want – most often money and a rent-free apartment, occasionally love from one of us, but only if they want it.

LAURENCE

Bill, please, let's go.

BILL

You’re overreacting, getting caught up in older language. 

DERRIK

Many find a peace among vampires that they did not find in the world. I did. Then I joined them. 

LAURENCE

Bill!

BILL

Jakub was a knight back in Moldavia and France  - and he has a wife and three enthralled humans - they share them. They’ll teach us to bleed people! 

LAURENCE

Swell, please let’s go.

DERRIK

Why did you come here if not to learn about us?

LAURENCE

Bill wants to learn your ways.

DERRIK

He wants to enter the program?

LAURENCE

You’d have to ask him. Not me. I want to go home.

DERRIK

I shall give you what you want.

LORETTA

With that Derrik slipped his mind over Laurence’s. 

Laurence turned and walked out without another word to any of us. 

DERRIK

Now, uh, where were we? Oh yes, have you ever used a ballpoint pen?

BILL

Yes, at work. I like the reliability and control... dependability. 

LORETTA

William spent a few nights with Derrik and then he left for a short time to get his affairs in order - setting up alimony for his wife and child support and college tuition for his sons. Obviously, this devastated his family, but not one of them were surprised. 

I do try not to judge what happened between the men, but my loyalty has always been to my sister. What I shall say is William claimed he was full of regrets, tired of broken promises in his relationship with Laurence. Due to the nature of Laurence and William’s hunting activities, we know that William was likely already one of the infected. But we did not understand what monster we allowed into our world until it was too late. We, who had all forgotten, what it was to be weak and fragile, were all made wiser by the experience.... 

However our experience was not shared with Laurence thus he was not made wiser.

SOUND EFFECT: PHONE RINGS

LAURENCE

Hi, Sarah!

SARAH

I’m sorry, Laurence, but the seller accepted an over asking price offer by an investor.

LAURENCE

I’m sorry to hear that. Is there anything else to look at?

SARAH

I’ll find more listings and we’ll view more properties in a couple of days.

LAURENCE

Okay bye.

LAURENCE

I would have loved that house, made it new again, made it eternal like me. The investor will kill it—tear it down and build a row of line houses. The news keep saying the soul of Seattle is dying! This is why. Houses need to be loved, resided in. I want vengeance for my house and the next fallen building. 

SOUNDE FEECT PICKLE JAR

I was wrong, Bill, I need you. I need you the way you were.

BILL

We hunting tonight?

LAURENCE

Just like the old days

BILL

No Mad Mochas

SOUND EFFECT DJ’S POUNDING RHYTHMS.

LAURENCE (to the bartender)

House red

BARTENDER

Wanna start a tab?

LAURENCE

No. Cash, please. 

BILL

The modern age is wonderful. What wonderfully exposed flesh even in the middle of winter! We don’t need to tear through clothes anymore! 

VICTIM #2

Restroom?

BARTENDER

Over there.

BILL

There’s our chance. Look how he catches our eyes. Good. Go after him.

SOUND EFFECT: LOWER MUSIC LEVEL. RAISE HEARTBEAT

VICTIM #2

What do you want?

LAURENCE

Just you

VICTIM #2

I thought so. 

LAURENCE

I love a willing victim.

VICTIM #2

What the hell? Hey...

SOUND EFFECT: A STRUGGLE

BILL 

Let’s gorge on flesh. 

SOUND EFFECT: SLURPING AND CRUNCHING

LAURENCE

What have I done? I can’t leave a dead body in this bathroom, I’ll be seen! 

How will I get the body out of the bathroom? 

What should I do? I am trapped... 

There is only one place to turn....Bill, you must go. See this? 

BILL 

Norma’s Cleaning Service?

LAURENCE

I’m getting Norma. 

BILL

So she became a... super hero... after all.  Good.

LAURENCE

Eleven minutes till arrival. Come faster.

Damn me. I shouldn’t be spending money like this when I’m trying to buy a house! What was I thinking! Maybe the victim has some cash. 

How could I do this? I am not Bill.

I’m sorry. You see, I let Bill’s rage in. I haven’t done that since I was a young vampire. 

SOUND EFFECT: KNOCK

NORMA

Let us in. Sober enough to walk?

LAURENCE

Yes. I-I think so.

NORMA 

Wash your face. Good. Now put on this windbreaker, it’ll hide most of the blood. Carlos’ll clean up and carry him. 

Have a tab?

LAURENCE

No, I paid cash.

NORMA

Does he?

LAURENCE

I don’t know.

NORMA

Okay according to the victim’s license: his name is Joshua Campbell. Start singing Happy Birthday- act super drunk - see this old mp3 player- pretend your friend is singing too. Carlos get them out of here.

LAURENCE AND VICTIM #2 DRUNKENLY SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY. 

IT FADES INTO BAR NOISE

NORMA

Tab for Joshua Campbell? 

We’ll pay the balance in cash.

BARTENDER

Here’s the credit card.

NORMA

Here’s your card back, Josh. 

SOUND EFFECT: MUSIC FADES/CAR NOISE

LAURENCE

Did you get … body changed…

NORMA

Let me take off this costume. It’s a tear away, see?

LAURENCE

You’re still Norma. 

NORMA

Yep.

Laurence, I’m  truly sorry about Rob.

LAURENCE

Oh God, The Paper Flower Consortium set their eyes upon me again. You’d tell me right?

NORMA

Sure, but…

LAURENCE

Will they force me to follow their rules? How will they react if they discover I’m doing stupid things to men in bathrooms… They might request I join the Consortium or leave Seattle. How could I be so stupid!

NORMA

Hey, you called me, and I’m here now. The other vampires only want you to take care of yourself. A fair number go to bars, you know. If they didn’t, I’d be out of a job...

How’s the house hunting?

LAURENCE

I was outbid on a house I loved.

NORMA

He made the counteroffer?

LAURENCE

No—but he’s the type who would. It’s so hard to get a house with so many investors.

NORMA

I hear that.

LAURENCE

Investors stole Rob’s house. I lost my temper. God, why did I do this? I dishonored Rob’s memory. God, why did Rob leave me?

NORMA

I don’t think he meant to. I’m sorry I didn’t know what happened. If I had, we would’ve gotten you out without waking you from your torpor.

LAURENCE

I couldn’t sleep in the coven!

NORMA

Yeah I know. I wouldn’t have brought you there, but put you somewhere safe. 

LAURENCE

It’s my fault. I should’ve turned him.

NORMA

Did Rob want that?

LAURENCE

No

NORMA

Then you did right by him. Listen carefully….

Next time eat a raw steak with cow’s blood—it’s cheaper. And you won’t be weeping in my van. You always hate yourself when you act impulsively. What can you tell me about your victim?

LAURENCE

I met him in the bar. We made out in the…bathroom. I shouldn’t say things to a lady—especially you. You’re too young to hear this.

 LAURENCE FAINTS

NORMA

Laurence, wake up. Wake up. 

You must stay awake. 

You sure he only had alcohol in his system?

LAURENCE

I didn’t see him take anything else. Sorry. God, I miss Rob so badly. 

NORMA

Drink. Of course, you miss Rob. I know how much you loved him. Drink!

LAURENCE 

Where did you get this blood?

NORMA

Coven bloodbank,

You look like you stepped out of a horror movie. Come on stay awake! 

By the way, read any good books lately?

LAURENCE

I’ve been painting…

NORMA

Stay awake! There’s a Pre-Raphaelite exhibit coming. Wanna come with me? You might find it inspiring.

LAURENCE

Why do you say that? Is the coven spying on me?

NORMA

God, you’re paranoid. I remember you liked them: John Waterhouse, William Hunt, Danti Rosetti. Looking at your book covers, I’d say their work inspires your work now.

LAURENCE

You remember?

NORMA

Of course, I remember. Geez. You’ve been hooking up with my honored sister for decades.

LAURENCE

It’s not just a hookup. I love Pascaline.

NORMA

Yeah, I get it. I also don’t care.

LAURENCE

I’d be with her, but she’ll never leave Derrik! 

NORMA

I think you’re forgetting how much you two argued about basic existence choices. 

LAURENCE

Where is Pascaline?

NORMA

Torpor.

LAURENCE

Oh. I’d like to see her...when she wakes again.

What are you doing with the body? I took the cash.

NORMA

Searching for a clue that might give a logical reason for Josh’s accidental death. There’s nothing to tell us who this man was except a willing hookup in a bar …You paying through the app?

LAURENCE

No. Cash, please. It’d look weird. I don’t make big payments out of my checking account except bills.

NORMA

Even thousand. Coven won’t mind me giving you the family discount.

LAURENCE

$530 plus $200… Crap. I need an ATM.

NORMA

You need a clean shirt. Finish getting that blood off you. And put the hood over your face and here’s some glasses.

TRANSITION: CAR NOISE/TRANSITION

LAURENCE

Thanks for stopping at a no-fee ATM.

NORMA

Want a ride home?

LAURENCE

No thanks, I’ll walk. I need to clear my head.

NORMA

Well, try not to freak if you see your victim on the news….And don’t be a stranger.

LAURENCE

What’s up with this guy? You sure he’s safe?

NORMA

Of course. Carlos’s a shade and he’s only a few years old.

LAURENCE

You killed him?

NORMA

Of course not, you hypocrite! I found him under a pool table with a crushed larynx.

CARLOS grunts a WTF sound.

NORMA

That’s why he can’t talk.

LAURENCE

Yeah. Well, be careful. If you need anything, you have my cell.

NORMA

And you have mine. Good luck finding a house.

SOUND EFFECT: CAR DOOR

NORMA

Damn it, I knew it. I knew he was gonna faint. Get him in the van and search him.

CARLOS

Carrying earth. 

LORETTA

Norma gently rubbed a few granules of dirt between her fingers.

NORMA

It’s worse than I thought, he’s not just remembering my dad, he was hunting with him. 

CARLOS

You OK?

NORMA

Yeah. Let’s get Laurence some more blood and then a blood test on his victim. Alcohol, molly, and Special K and something else. No wonder Laurence’s out of it.With all the drugs in the victim’s body, we can’t throw him to the sea monsters or offer him to the werewolves. Let’s go to the Consortium. One of the older vampires might wanna party. We can probably make an extra grand on this guy.

SOUND EFFECT: CAR NOISES, DOORS, TRANSITION

PHONE BING. TEXT

LAURENCE

What’s this … A How Was Our Service Email from Norma’s Cleaning Service? What did I do?

LAURENCE

Rate Norma’s Cleaning Service, a proud business within the Paper Flower Consortium.

SOUNDEFFECT: TEXT BING.

LAURENCE

Eddie? Who is that?

SOUNDEFFECT: TEXT BING.

NORMA

Dude, what were you on last night! Carlos get you home okay?

SOUNDEFFECT: TEXT BING.

LAURENCE

I remember kissing someone…was that Eddie?

SOUNDEFFECT: TEXT BING.

SOUNDEFFECT: TEXT BING.

NORMA

Looking forward to next week!

SOUNDEFFECT: TEXT BING.

LAURENCE

Come on remember! What is happening next week? And who is Eddie?

What’s going on....I spent money. I know my wallet. Only $20 in cash? I started the night with $200, 

I know I’ll check my recent transactions!

LAURENCE

Crap…Last night, I withdrew $300 from an ATM… Dear God, what did I do?

SOUND EFFECT: TEXT BING.

BETTY

Can I come down?

LAURENCE

It’s Betty! Crap are my fangs showing!

SOUND EFFECT: TEXT BING.

LAURENCE

Okay. Give me five. 

Change shirts....I must change shirts at least. 

DOOR OPENS.

BETTY

You okay? 

LAURENCE

Hung over.

BETTY

Not surprising. I brought some Ibuprofen. Drink this before you have your evening espresso.

LAURENCE

Sorry…did I wake you when I came home?

BETTY

Last night, I remember someone bringing you home, but the details are foggy. 

LAURENCE

I did wake you. Sorry.

BETTY

No, I was up. It’s harder to sleep through the night now. …Senior moments.

LAURENCE

Both our memories. I barely remember coming home, but Carlos drove me.

BETTY

Carlos is a friend from one of your art meetups?

LAURENCE

Yes. 

BETTY

Losing a house is tough, but it’s a tough market. Don’t let it get you so down, if you lose another house.

LAURENCE

I won’t.  Sorry again.  

SOUND EFFECT: DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES. FOOT STEPS. PHONE BINGS.

LAURENCE

Follow link to review Norma’s Cleaning Service?

I was super drunk after drinking blood from a stranger so don’t remember much, 

 NORMA

but I found myself tucked safely in my own bed, curtains drawn, fully dressed, except my shoes which were found next to the door and no mud tracked into my apartment. As I had a few texts confirming my whereabouts, my landlady was concerned about my hangover, but not concerned that I was a risky tenant on a bender. 

TOGETHER
Norma and Carlos are the best! FIVE STARS!

LAURENCE

Alright, Norma, five stars...

So what’s on the calendar... Ugh.an appointment with Sarah. It seems impossible to fall in love with a house again. Do I dare take Bill?

I should call Sarah and cancel.…

But if I find a house this month, I’d seem mostly normal to my neighbors until the long days of summer keeps me inside... Bill is dangerous, but he’s also lucky.

SOUND EFFECT: TEXT BING

LAURENCE

What now!

NORMA

If you think about taking Bill, at least remember how vicious he could be with all three of his kids, Dottie, you. He might have luck, but never trust him to do what’s right. 

LAURENCE

I can’t trust you either. Bill’s earth has luck on his side.

SOUND EFFECT TRANSITION

SARAH

We’ll head to the furthest property north and work our way south.

LAURENCE

Sounds good

SARAH

Now this cottage has been freshly painted and all the tile has been updated in the bathroom…

LAURENCE

This one has no place for my studio and the price seems high for such a small cottage.

SARAH

That’s mostly location. It has peekaboo views of Greenlake on the first floor, and from the converted attic you have a full water view. While it might not matter to you now, some of the best schools are here.

LAURENCE

There’s something disturbing here. A smell?

This house belongs to someone or something with whom I’ve no wish to do business: A hunter, a witch, maybe even another stregon. Hell, maybe a human serial killer. Whoever it is, I have to get us out of this cottage before they come home. Sarah wouldn’t understand the danger even if I explain it.

SARAH

And this charming room is being used...as a dining room. 

(thought)

Wait. What is it I am seeing in the mirror? 

LAURENCE

Sarah, I know this isn’t the one. I’m ready to go. …What’s wrong?

SARAH

(thought)

Oh my God. Where is Laurence’s face? I see his hoodie in the mirror, but he has no head....

(Speaking)

I’m sorry, but I need to take you home. I got a text from my husband. It’s not an emergency, but it is serious… I need to get home.

LAURENCE

I’ll call a rideshare, and you can go. No reason to drive all the way to Leschi.

SARAH

Thanks.

SOUND EFFECT: CAR DRIVING AWAY

LAURENCE

Ride share? I can’t get into a car when I feel like this! 

BILL

Why not?

LAURENCE

Exsanguination will definitely drop my rating...What am I still talking to you for, you don’t understand the world. You died forever in 1951! You didn’t even exist for one human lifetime. 

I need a bigger budget. You won’t believe house prices.

BILL

Go see Jakub.

LAURENCE

I don’t want to be in debt to the Paper Flower Consortium again. Do you know how long I was in debt last time?

BILL

Yes, until I got you out of it. 

LORETTA

As it is several miles between Greenlake and Leshi, Laurence had quite a walk in front of him. While talking to him self on the streets of Seattle, Laurence began to fall back in his memories when in 1938, when he entered the Paper Flower Consortium for the second time. 

SOUND EFFECT: TRANSITION: ADDING MACHINE

JAKUB

How may I help you, Laurence?

LAURENCE

My victims have no cash…. I can’t sell a painting…I’m about to be evicted.

JAKUB

Normally I don’t give loans to those who don’t have collateral. Does Bill know you need money? He will not set you aside. He speaks of your time together with great affection.

LAURENCE

I’m trying to stand on my own, but there is a Depression out there.

JAKUB

Hmm. Well as you are a vampire, the Paper Flower Consortium Savings and Loan’s personal loans have a 3% annual interest rate.

LAURENCE

Thank you… Can you write the cheque quick, I don’t want Bill to know I’m here. 

JAKUB

As it pleases you, but you can’t hide from a telepath especially one as powerful as Bill. 

BILL

Hello, Larry

LAURENCE

Bill...it’s nice to see you.

BILL

What the hell is wrong with you? Why didn’t you tell me you needed money?

LAURENCE

You divorced Dottie.

BILL

I still pay alimony, Bill Junior’s college tuition, and child support for Jason. I’m a monster, not a deadbeat. I’ll give you some alimony.

LAURENCE

I’ll never take another dime from you. I don’t know what happened, but you changed.

BILL

I know. I’m the vampire you could be.

LORETTA 

Once William got Laurence away from Jakub’s ear shot, he whispered something into Laurence’s ear and only by context do we know what it was. 

LAURENCE

So you’ve destroyed two marriages?

BILL

The “gracious lady” was a courtier in Versailles; she never expected monogamy from her husband.

(Laughs.)

But Derrik is much better at playing the good husband than I ever was. He actually enjoys spending time with his wife. They are quite good friends. Have you ever heard of such a thing?

LAURENCE

So that place is a den of sin.

BILL

Hardly. It’s incredibly dull: dinner parties, card games, church of all things.

Pascaline and her sister play the piano and sing old songs for their husbands and “parents.”... Xiao and Alice are the least interesting people on the planet. I’ve been lonely. I miss our hunts....and other shared activities. 

LAURENCE

Your tone debases acts of love.

BILL

God, you’ve become dull.

LAURENCE

At least, I don’t have to worry about hurting you any longer.

SOUND EFFECT: SOMETHING HITTING THE FLOOR. 

BILL LAUGHS.

LAURENCE

Why do I still love you? 

How can I love you?

BILL

I am amazing

NORMA screams.

NORMA

I’m alright, Carlos. It’s just Laurence’s anger. We are connected via Bill. I’m bound to hear his anger from time to time, especially if he’s afraid. 

BILL

You’re no different than me and you know it!  You love the hunt. You love to feel the blood being drawn from a living victim. You love their screams. 

LAURENCE

I’m different than you. I am. 

BILL

How are you different from me?

LAURENCE

I never beat my wife....And I never hit one of your kids. Not even Norma. Not even when she was on my last nerve. You can’t say the same. 

BILL

Aren’t you just the saint? Piss off and find your own damn house. 

LAURENCE

Think of anyone but Bill. Think of Pascaline. Think of her eternal love and patience, of her good nature. But I can’t think of Pascaline without Derrik and Norma. If Derrik hadn’t changed Bill....none of us would have been saddled with Norma. 

NORMA

If I wasn’t here, you’d still be in that bathroom!

CARLOS

Take your own advice and don’t listen if it hurts that badly. 

LORETTA

I shall pause to remind listeners, while most vampires learn to read the automatic body responses of humans so it seems we are telepathic, that is not true.

A true telepath’s transformation and existence is horrific - and the coven saw two - Derrik and William. We did not witness Norma’s rebirth - we only felt it - as the child refused Death and clung onto existence by a thread which she twisted and raveled, until she awoke a vampire. And her mind was ripped open and every sound of every thinking soul flows into her Humans, Pixies, Vampires, Werewolves and most animals- it is incredibly loud. It took Derrik many years to overcome it and learn to use it as a tool. He regrets he had not assisted William more, but William was his own man...Norma was a girl and wished to learn..

So Laurence walked from Greenlake to Leschi, he remembered the night in November of 1951, when Pascaline knocked on his door. He peeked out and saw she wore a long gown better suited to a different age.  

SOUND EFFECT: DOOR KNOCK. 

LAURENCE 

Hello?

PASCALINE

Hello, I don’t know if you remember me, but I am Pascaline Fabron Aubinet Miller. I’ve a proposition...

LAURENCE

Please, I’ll pay you. … I found a job to pay the rent at an all-hours diner. Unfortunately, I’m no closer to paying off that debt. This is what I collected. . .so few have money. They have Green stamps and bonds, but cash is still rare unless I kill only the wealthy. Give Jakub this, let him know I’m trying…

PASCALINE

God above, did you never learn that we exist beyond the Fall? The coven has a situation to pay off your debt.

LAURENCE

A situation?

PASCALINE

It’s a worthy occupation. Nothing the coven believes you would find distasteful. May I come in? 

LAURENCE

Yes

PASCALINE

William created a vampire from a girl of just fourteen.

LAURENCE

William…you mean Bill? My Bill?

PASCALINE

Yes. He meant to eat her, but after she transformed he thought he could control a child, brainwash her. He said as much before we decapitated him.

LAURENCE

Bill is dead?

PASCALINE

I’m sorry you feel loss, but my concern must be for Norma.

LAURENCE

He wouldn’t hurt a child. Bill was rash, but he wasn’t a monster… 

PASCALINE

William was charming...but he was a monster, he gloried in it. 

To ease your mind, he drank Norma’s blood from her ankle. 

He kept her ill-nourished…. Though by Norma’s account, we are sure that was accidental. They killed nearly sixty people.

LAURENCE

Then how do you know she was ill nourished?

PASCALINE

She was bruised... He bruised her.

LAURENCE

Are you asking me to... I’m not a monster!

PASCALINE

No, you misunderstand...

LAURENCE

Are you asking me to take her in? I barely can afford this place...

PASCALINE

Norma will exist with Derrik. We are in a good place financially to support a child. He has opened his study to be her coffinroom and put his modeling supplies in a small alcove off his room. 

I shall be teaching her French and music, however my coven duties  and Derrik’s law practice takes much of our time, so we ask you teach her arithmetic, home economics and whatever else she must learn from school in this age. She would be starting the 9th grade. If she has questions that we cannot answer, perhaps you might answer them.

LAURENCE

What do you mean questions?

PASCALINE

Whatever she asks that you are willing to answer. 

Norma suffers. The girl can’t seem to sleep through the day. Agata must hold Norma to keep her in a coffin. She fought Loretta off when she tried to dress her in proper clothing.

LAURENCE

Proper clothing, you mean a dress like yours?

PASCALINE

Well, yes.

LAURENCE

I don’t think a young girl would know how to... well...women’s clothing is very different now.

PASCALINE

What would she know?

LAURENCE 

Uh, here. Take a look at this magazine. 

PASCALINE

It’s hard to believe women go around showing their legs like that. Why is everyone so hairless?

LAURENCE

They aren’t. The painter just didn’t paint the body hair. Or some women shave or wax I guess. I suppose it’s been a while since you left the coven?

PASCALINE

I travel for the coven, but don’t leave often for pleasure, no. The world is much brighter than it was. Sometimes, I fear I shan’t know the dawn. 

Now tell me, is it appropriate for a girl Norma’s age to wear pink and red? Those are such masculine colors, but that is what she prefers. 

LAURENCE

Yes, many girls were pink now.... Jakub will really discharge my debt if I teach Norma?

PASCALINE

Yes. 

LAURENCE

But Bill…

PASCALINE

Is dead. Norma is undead and needs us to guide her. 

LORETTA

So it was Laurence came to our coven a third time - and this time, he remained for several years. His loathing of many of our habits was clear, but of course, Pascaline and Laurence began a love affair. Moreover, as he was from a large family with several siblings and cousins, he was much better with Norma that anyone expected... Especially in the early years of her existence as a vampire, Norma was a handful. 

NORMA

I don’t understand why are we doing this?

LAURENCE

Because you were further advanced in arithmetic than we expected, so we are moving into geometry.

NORMA

But why does a vampire need geometry?

LAURENCE

Everyone needs it.

NORMA

I doubt that. What about our superpowers?

LAURENCE

What are you talking about?

NORMA

My dad...

LAURENCE

Bill was not your dad.

NORMA

I know, And you and Derrik’s aren’t my vampire grandfathers, just my progenitor’s progenitors. But being my dad made Bill happy... so I called him that. Can you fly?  

LAURENCE

No.

NORMA

What about jump really high, like leap over a building in a single bound.

LAURENCE

No.

NORMA

Read minds?

LAURENCE

I believe you know the answer to that.

NORMA

Take over people’s will?

LAURENCE

Obviously not.

NORMA

Well, what can you do?

LAURENCE

I can teach you grammar and geometry.

NORMA

Don’t be obtuse.

DERRIK

Norma Mae what did I tell you...

PASCALINE

Let Laurence handle her, mon cher.  

LAURENCE

Don’t call me obtuse.

NORMA

Fine. You’re not obtuse. But you hunt - you act like a vampire--at least sometimes! Why do you all act like we’re still regular people?

LAURENCE

We are regular people… 

But if I could fly or jump over buildings, I would definitely need geometry, because I’d have to constantly calculate how to not run into the pesky things. Just think of how embarrassing it would be to crash into the Smith Tower. Seattle wouldn’t have the tallest building on the west coast anymore.

NORMA (giggles)

How mortifying.

LAURENCE

Now, please, lets go over these formulas for perimeters of three-dimensional shapes. 

NORMA

You know, maybe you’re right. Because half the stuff the movies say about vampires is garbage. Except stupid stuff like coffins.

LAURENCE

You don’t like your coffin?

NORMA

Have you ever seen Son of Dracula? 

LAURENCE

Why don’t you just sleep with the lid open?

NORMA

I’ve been sleeping in my closet mostly. Or on Derrik’s floor. Cause no one would ever try to hurt him. Do you sleep with your lid open?

LAURENCE

No, I sleep on a bed.

NORMA

Derrik, why can’t I sleep in a bed?

DERRIK

It’s hard enough to know what voices are thoughts and what voices are audible in the beginning. A mindreader needs insulation from the world.

NORMA

But...

PASCALINE

I think that’s enough for tonight, go pray for your mother’s continued health.

SOUND EFFECT: FOOT STEPS

DERRIK

Thanks a lot. Now I’ll never get her to sleep in a coffin. ...You might not be such a weak vampire if you slept in a coffin...you might actually learn your gifts.

LAURENCE

So I can grow up to be a mind-reading blood-sucking lawyer like you? No thanks. 

DERRIK

I deny your judgement, Sir, I drink the blood from the willing. You are a killer.

LAURENCE

So was Bill.

DERRIK

I have taken responsibility for my actions in the matter of Bill. Have you?

LAURENCE

I did not change him...

PASCALINE

No, but you, Laurence, encouraged his less than noble side.

LAURENCE

This cannot go on forever...Even Norma is asking, why the charade? What is your plan with her? 

DERRIK

Law school, I hope. 

Becoming an attorney saved me from poverty, it will save Norma too - even if it means she will be a blood-sucking lawyer.

LAURENCE

But Norma won’t grow up. 

PASCALINE

We pray she may mature as she gains knowledge, even if her body will always be fourteen.

DERRIK

I admit I am not as natural with Norma as you and Pascaline, but I have been reading several books on the topic of parenting. I like A Modern’s Guide to Child Rearing. You may borrow it if you wish.

The premise is that children need structure, security, healthy diet, and affection for improvement. It has scientifically backed research about nutrients and developmental markers so I have a guideline to follow. 

LAURENCE

You don’t simply follow the Bible’s advice? You?

DERRIK

There is nothing in this book which contradicts Biblical teaching, but the Bible does not have advice in dealing with Gross Reactions due to Previous Trauma or even the wardship of an adolescent or spreading technologies like the radio. She loves that thing.  

LAURENCE

And …if...?

PASCALINE

Norma wouldn’t let William kill her. She will not lie down and die for anyone. 

Right now, she believes we are safe and are well loved enough by the other vampires that no one will chance hurting us to get at her.  

LORETTA

Of course, Norma was right. We did not execute her with William, because we loved Pascaline and Derrik. She knew her safety relied upon their presence. Most of Pascaline, Derrik, and Laurence’s hopes for Norma came true, though she did not study law, instead she studied business and found her own occupation...but all that is another story. What is important It was Norma’s presence who eased Laurence into knowing all of us better. We could not have asked for a better emissary. We hoped this gentle introduction would get Laurence to join the coven officially, it did not.  Still we waited. He walked through the winter garden, following the same path. But it was not Pascaline who was on his mind, it was Norma. Not as she is, but as she was a girl who believed she might become mist if she tried a little harder. And other things in these years such as when Derrik asking what parenting method might be useful or effective while Pascaline played the piano as if she could temporarily drown out temporary dometistic discord from the rest of us.

Perhaps, Laurence felt he did the best he could under the circumstances which he had been given, but I wonder if he also was lingering in regret.

All guardians of children make mistakes so I don’t judge anything my sister, Laurence, or Derrik did. But please remember, I was there. The truth was Laurence spent more waking hours with  Norma than any other vampire, yet there were times when Norma needed an adult to rely on even when he was present. He had stepped back when exposed to the breadth of her gifts. 

He made his choices, but I also think he felt overshadowed by Derrik in both Pascaline and Norma’s affection and emasculated due to the state of his finances - Pascaline and Derrik’s house hold budget paid for everything. And of course he was always treading the tight line between family member and employee. 

Once Laurence and Pascaline did not have Norma’s care, they realized they had nothing in common. And both the romance and Laurence’s relationship to us crumbled.  However Laurence was out of debt and began a new chapter of his existence - away from vampires and in the world of new technologies such as air travel and mechanical computers. And yet he was never that far away. 

He and Pascaline had short term liaisons from time to time or on occasions, he needed Norma’s services and they saw each other.

And Norma is ultimately how the coven won his friendship back. You see, it had been about a week since Laurence had heard from Sarah after they viewed the Greenlake cottage...and like so many home buyers Laurence constantly pursued the listings.

LAURENCE

That one looks good. I’ll email Sarah.

Why isn’t she answering me back? Of course, she’s probably asleep. 

LORETTA

But a day passed and Laurence still hadn’t heard anything.

LAURENCE

She had been terrified.... I remember her heartbeat....

Oh God, did Sarah see my fangs? 

Did I sweat blood? 

She must have seen something. Damn me. Do I need a new realtor?

LORETTA 

And thus after pacing and mental self-flagellation, Laurence called Norma, because everyone knows when a vampire has a problem within the human world, it is best to turn to an expert. 

LAURENCE

Hey, Norma, if I scared my realtor, what should I do?

NORMA

I’ll take care of everything for $300.

LAURENCE

You won’t hurt anyone, will you?

NORMA

Don’t be stupid. I only hurt bad people. Tell me everything!

LAURENCE

I had this strange feeling in a house... something weird...then I saw Sarah’s face. She was beyond frightened.

NORMA

Was she looking at you?

LAURENCE

No, the dining room.

NORMA

What’s the address?

LAURENCE

I don’t want you going there!

NORMA

Address?

LAURENCE

What if you’re hurt?

NORMA

Address. I won’t ask a third time.

LAURENCE

I’ll text it to you.

SOUND EFFECT: NORMA’S PHONE BINGS.

NORMA

Good. Now email your realtor.

It’s too bad Pascaline isn’t awake. 

So tell her that your little sister is visiting for midwinter break and ask if it’s okay if I tag along the next time you go look at houses. 

LAURENCE

How’s that gonna help if she saw my fangs?

NORMA

Just tell her.…And to counter any doubt, we’ll view houses during the day.

LAURENCE

The day?

NORMA

I’ll smother us in sunscreen. We’ll be fine.

LAURENCE

What about the parts you can’t cover with sunscreen?

NORMA

UV sunglasses, brimmed hat, earmuffs. Dude, it’s February. It’s gonna be overcast. 

LAURENCE

Ok

NORMA

Buck up! Talk to ya soon...

LAURENCE

Bill....Pascaline....Norma 

Vampires are the worst. 

SOUND EFFECT: TRANSITION

NORMA

Call Grandpa.

SOUND EFFECT: OLD TIMEY PHONE RING

DERRIK

Hello?

NORMA

Hi. Can I come over after work in the morning?

DERRIK

Of course. Is something wrong, lamb?

NORMA

Working for Granddad is taking a lot out of me. He needs...a friend I guess. 

DERRIK

Doesn’t always have to be you.

NORMA

Who else would it be?

LORETTA

Well that’s where we will end tonight.  Lets have a word from our sponsor: The Paper Flower Credit Union.

Tonight’s episode was sponsored by Paper Flower Credit Union established 1918. For those vampires and ancient Gods who have enjoyed a recent torpor you may remember it as the Paper Flower Savings Fund, established in 1871.

As a member-owned, not for profit credit union, we are committed to our members prosperous financial well-being. We offer excellent interest in our savings accounts and CDs not seen for decades. Do you need a 50 year mortgage? A century? No Problem. As our members have an unending working existence, we also offer flexible extra-extended term mortgages with low, fixed interest rates for vampires of every budget. 

We take the long view!

While normally, this would be time for questions, we will be saving all questions till the end of the third episode so good night and sleep the sleep of the dead.

Tonights marvelous voice talents include Ken Carlson as Laurence, 

Amy Riddle as Sarah the Realtor, 

Stevie Rae Causey as Norma, 

Hannah Duff as Betty

Jun Shu as Bill

Jennifer Brozek as Agata

Rob Clifford as Jakub

Lydia Randall as Pascaline

Evan Witt as Derrik 

Rob Clifford as Carlos

Nikki Burton as Bartender #2 

Dennis Roberts as Victim #2

and Elizabeth Guizzetti as Loretta.

Additional Voice work by Abby Masterson and Gretchen SB

No animals or humans were harmed in the making of Immortal House.

The vampires of the Paper Flower Consortium and the novella Immortal House were written by Elizabeth Guizzetti. The novella was adapted for podcasts in 2024 and the stage in 2022. 

The amazing intro and outro music was written by Evan Witt and you can learn about his music at www.wittynotes.com

SOUND EFFECT: OUTRO MUSIC

LORETTA

Thank you for listening.

END