Vampires of the Paper Flower Consortium
Come for the evening, stay for eternity! Paper Flower Consortium is a podcast from the largest vampire coven in Seattle. Their stories are told by Loretta Fabron Onfoy, coven historian and librarian, in the hope that the modern vampire's way of life is not lost during the next great language transformation. Some tales in this anthology are horrific, some are droll, some are filled with misadventure--just like any eternal existence. Episodes sponsored by the Paper Flower Consortium's Business Community. The history is followed by questions from curious initiates. Want to ask Lady Loretta a question about vampirism? Have a topic you want to see discussed? Email info@paperflowerconsortium.com
Vampires of the Paper Flower Consortium
Immortal House - Full Production
Happy Halloween Beloved Initiates!
This is the full audio of the dramatized adaption of Immortal House! I hope you love it. This full production has two new questions from two new hopeful initiates, one I spoke to at WA State Horror Con last week.
Ken Carlson stars as the vampire Laurence Roch.
Amy Riddle performs as Sarah, the human realtor.
Stevie Rae Causey reprises her role as vampire, Norma.
Hannah Duff performs as Betty, Laurence's human landlady.
Lydia Randall as Pascaline and Escrow Officer
Jun Hsu as Bill
Jennifer Brozek as Agata and Ms. Harris
Rob Clifford as Lovely Human, Jakub, and Carlos
Abby Masterson as Human with Dog
Nikki Burton as Bartenders #1 and 2 and The House Inspector
Dennis Roberts as Victim #2 and Rob
Elizabeth Guizzetti as your narrator, Loretta.
Intro and Outro Music is written by Evan Witt and you can learn more about his music at www.wittynotes.com
Other background noises and music were licensed from Pond 5, StoryBlocks or made in house.
Background Music Ludwig van Beethoven's Sonata No. 8 In C Minor. 2. Pathetique / Emanuele Dentoni's Neo Baroque Overture and The Execution of the King and Bittersweet / Gerardo Garcia Jr Water Drops
Frédéric François Chopin - Waltz ab Farewell No 1 and Nocturn
Vladyslav Krotov/Mood Mode Jazzy Retro Swing Groove and Funk That Feelings
Style da Kid Watcher of the Night
Thank you for listening.
Social Media:
PFC PATREON:
PFC INSTA: https://www.instagram.com/vampiresofthepfc/
ELIZABETH'S WEB: https://www.elizabethguizzetti.com/paperflowerconsortium
ELIZABETH'S INSTA: https://www.instagram.com/elizabeth_guizzetti/
VAMPIRES OF THE PAPER FLOWER CONSORTIUM: HALLOWEEN SPECIAL: IMMORTAL HOUSE
LORETTA
Recording by Loretta Fabron Onfoy, current historian and librarian of the Paper Flower Consortium.
Welcome back, Beloved Initiates and other listeners and Happy Halloween!
While some of you enjoyed following along with me as I told this story, for those folks who like a story all at once, tonight we shall listen to the complete production of Immortal House. I hope you enjoy it. Tonight’s production has a new set of questions that came up in the course of the serialized episodes which I will answer tonight. But before I begin this nightmarish tale of vampires and real estate, I must pause to thank to all the listeners and a special thanks our paid patrons: I simply could not run this podcast without you: so thank you: Amanda, Katie and Tim, Nikki B, Evan, and Jennifer. Oh and if you joined after I recorded this introduction on October 29th, please do not fret, in November, I shall be telling a ghost story, which I wrote back in the Court of the Sun King when constantly surrounded by Roman statues and ghosts who tread the soil. You will receive your on-air thank you on the next episode
Happy Halloween and let us begin…
by introducing you to Laurence Roch. Laurence is an accidental vampire of close to two centuries.
While he is not a member of the Paper Flower Consortium, but he has deep connections with the coven and acquainted with several members. He has given us permission to tell this specific story though we shall be touching on his history through out the program.
I can say Laurence was born Lorenzo DaRocco in Venice 1802. He left home at sixteen to seek his fortune. After six years as an indentured sailor, he came to America where he anglicized his name to fit in. After all, the young man was making his own way in the world, separating himself from his Venetian roots as well as his father at the time. He was quite excited to become an American.
But as I said, his vampirsm is accidental. Laurence is fairly sure he was infected during his crossing of the American Continent during the summer of 1824 on his way to Fort Vancouver where he worked as a clerk - that is a bookkeeper in today’s modern parlance - but he doesn’t exactly know how or when he defeated death. His best guess is he may have died by smoke inhalation during a house fire or succumbed shortly after to hypothermia in 1826.
He would have been 24.
One more thing, he has a strange aversion to the word “vampire” which in his mind is a negative word or too Hollywood. I shall not psychoanalyze. He uses his native Italian: Stegone for the masculine, or Strega for the feminine, or Stregoni for the plural or where the gender is unknown.
Let us begin by peeking back to the winter months of 2018 when Laurence existed comfortably by painting book-cover artwork the old fashioned way and resided in a small basement apartment which he rented.
On this specific day, he had stayed up late for human business hours and was attempting to garner the courage to make the first step and pick up his phone....
LAURENCE
I’ve been saving for centuries. It’s time. It’s time! But…what if there’s another Great Depression …or the real estate bubble bursts again? If I had been awake before the real-estate bubble popped last time, I might’ve invested…There’s a million tech companies in my backyard….and I wasted the opportunity....I should’ve invested...
Invested! If I had been awake, I might’ve saved Rob. No but I had to sleep.
Damn me. I can’t do this alone.
But I always end up alone - except for the ghosts in my memories: Rob, Pascaline, Bill and Suzan. All dead now - except Pascaline and she’ll never leave her husband!
LORETTA
In that moment of sorrow and doubt, seeing only what he lost, he accidentally sent out a cry for help within his bloodline...and though he does not know his progenitor or any other vampire within his bloodline, the Paper Flower Consortium’s very own clairvoyant-telepath heard him. And Norma with her knightly soul, cannot help but assist when someone calls.
NORMA
Huh? Laurence? Laurence, is that you?
LAURENCE
Norma?
She’s not here. She’s just another memory....
NORMA
Laurence, whatever the problem is calm down and think. You can do it.
LAURENCE
I can do this. Other people, even other stregoni, buy homes. I need to be smarter this time and stay in budget. I’ll set autopayments in my own name so I’ll never miss a payment on my property taxes or insurance. Everything will be fine!
SOUND EFFECT: DIAL NUMBER
SOUND: PHONE RINGING
SARAH
Hello, Sarah Martin, speaking.
LAURENCE
Hi, Ms. Martin, I’m Laurence Roch. You helped my landlady’s niece buy a house. She gave me your number…I hoped you might help me.
SARAH
Certainly. What type of home are you looking for?
Sound Effect Paper and Pen
LAURENCE
I prefer a single-family residence with a basement but hope to keep it under $500,000. I’ve been saving a long time and would prefer if I didn’t need a mortgage. I, ah, work in the arts and would struggle to get a mortgage.
SARAH
At that price, we’ll be looking at older, smaller houses.
LAURENCE
That’s fine. It’s just me. I’d like to remain in city. I can stretch to 550 if need be and can deal with a fixer-upper… but I’ve one major ask. I suffer from intense polymorphic light eruptions and require viewing homes after sunset.
SARAH
There’s little inventory in-city. By inconveniencing homeowners, we might miss quality properties within your budget.
LAURENCE
The sun sets early this time of year...
I hope to find and close on a house quickly.
My husband passed and I was forced to move into an apartment…I’ve three months left on my lease.
SARAH
I’m sorry to hear about your husband.
LAURENCE
Thank you.
SOUND EFFECT: TRANSITION
LAURENCE
All I have to remember is Sarah Martin is not a meal, she is my Realtor!
SOUND EFFECT: PARKING BREAK, CAR DOORS
SARAH
Now this charming house was built in 1910.
LAURENCE
The listing called it a Craftsman, but where’s the porch? And the roof looks one rainstorm from collapse.
SARAH
The house is a hundred and ten years old, so we have to expect some problems. However, it’s within walking distance to the Hilltop area, the light rail station, and Jefferson Park.
Should we give it a chance or move on?
LAURENCE
I like the location, but the house doesn’t do much for a first impression. And I like those trees. Good afternoon shade.
LORETTA
Laurence stepped closer to Sarah as he entered the home. He turned his head away as he smelled the tang of lingering sweat and the depth of her scented lotion and deodorant. He looked at her hair, softly glittering in the the dim light. He did not comment upon it as his upbringing would not allow it.
SOUND EFFECT: HEARTBEAT
LORETTA
Sarah noted his fangs, but he wasn’t the strangest client she ever had. She briefly wondered if the fangs were the temporary kind that slipped over his teeth or the more permanent glued-on type. And not knowing the danger, Sarah entered the house behind him then led Laurence through a small foyer.
SARAH
This is your living room.
LAURENCE
I like the cove ceiling, but all the original molding is under a sloppy paint job.
SARAH
You can always strip it back or repaint it as you wish. Here’s the powder room on this floor. The main bathroom is probably upstairs between the two bedrooms. And this is your kitchen.
LAURENCE
Those appliances look straight out of the 50s.
SARAH
While this space could use some aesthetic upgrades, the layout looks quite usable.
LAURENCE
What’s that stain? Is that black mold? I shall need to look…
(Voice cracks)
at the basement.
SARAH
This must be so hard; are you okay to continue?
LAURENCE
Yes. Yes. Excuse me.
SARAH
Here’s a tissue. I’ll wait here while you look at the space. Take your time.
SOUND EFFECT: FOOTSTEPS MOVING DOWN STAIRS
LAURENCE sobs.
NOTE: LAURENCE’S SOBS WILL OVERLAY OVER THE FOLLOWING DIALOGUE.
LAURENCE
Why did the smell of moldy wet concrete remind me of death? Rob, why’d you have to go? I’m no good at this. If I had only been awake…If our relationship hadn’t isolated us. Someone would have checked. It’s my fault he’s dead. … Why am I always alone? I can’t do this alone!
NORMA
What? No, not you. Sorry... I hear Laurence --
Laurence, I’m always here for you. So is Derrik. Grandpa, we gotta help Laurence.
DERRIK
Laurence won’t accept my help.
NORMA
Sorry about brunch, but I gotta go. Laurence is crying blood and looking at houses!
DERRIK
Okay, lamb, another time then. Give Laurence our condolences.
NORMA
Come on, Laurence, snap out of it! Wipe your face! Your realtor will freak if she sees you like this. I’m coming!
SOUND EFFECT: DOOR SLAM AND CAR IGNITION.
SOUND EFFECT: CLIMBING UP STAIRS.
LAURENCE
The floor joists look strong, but somewhere there’s a leak in the basement. Mold down there too.
SARAH
I’ve the name of a good moisture remediation service.
LAURENCE
Well, this is a definite maybe. I’m ready to see the next one.
Uh…Sorry about that.
SARAH
Don’t be... I’m sorry for your loss.
SOUND EFFECT: TRANSITION
SARAH
Now I know you weren’t sure about multifamily living, but after your response to the first house I want to show you what you can afford in a condo. I’ve sold in this building before. The HOA fees are quite reasonable. There’s a one bedroom on the ground floor for 360 and a two bed-room on the third floor for 525.
LAURENCE
My last condo didn’t go well. I tend to be most inspired at night and sleep all day - for work I mean. But I’m willing to look...
SOUND EFFECT: DOOR BEEP
SHUFFLING FEET TWO PEOPLE BUMPING INTO EACH OTHER
LAURENCE
Excuse me. Did I hurt you?
SARAH
No, of course not. Your hand was just …cold…through my jacket.
LAURENCE
Yes, sorry, a faulty cardiovascular system is an unfortunate symptom of my condition. Rob used to always say I need to wear gloves when it gets cold. I forgot...sorry.
SARAH
Of course… Now there’s a secured entry, one parking spot in the garage, and a possible rental of a storage room. The HOA fees cover water, sewer, garbage collection and maintenance of the property. The rules are fairly common. It’s a great location. A bus stop on the corner services several buses.
SOUND EFFECT UNLOCKING OF DOOR, DOOR OPENS
SARAH
This is a pretty new kitchen. All appliances stay.
LAURENCE
I love the cool way granite feels under my hand. There isn’t a lot of kitchen space, but I don’t really need a kitchen, just a place to wash my paintbrushes and put my espresso maker.
SARAH
And this is the bedroom.
LAURENCE
Woah, what a huge window.
SARAH
Yes, brings in a ton of natural light.
LAURENCE
Am I allowed to change the window coverings?
I was thinking something more like blackout curtains.
SARAH
I can double check the rule, but in general most rules are as long as it’s white from outside.
LAURENCE
I’m not sure a king bed will fit in here?
SARAH
That looks like a queen, but if you used one nightstand or a pair of smaller ones, a king would definitely fit.
LAURENCE
Woah, this closet is huge almost nearly as wide as the bedroom… And no windows.
I like the layout. It’s quieter than I expected. A condo is certainly something to think about.
SOUND EFFECT: DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.
SARAH
This next unit is a 2 bedroom....
SOUND EFFECT: DOG GROWLS AND YAPS.
HUMAN WITH DOG
Sorry. Come on, buddy, lets go.
SARAH
Sorry, we startled you.
(Thought) Does the dog sense something?
LORETTA
However the dog wasn’t barking at Sarah. No, unlike their human counterparts, dogs aren’t tricked by hoodies and modern haircuts. They know what we are.
HUMAN WITH DOG
Come on, Buddy, COME ON!
SOUND EFFECT: DOG STILL SNARLING.
NORMA
(To Human with Dog)
Hi! What a sweet little dog, can I pet your puppy?
HUMAN WITH DOG
He got a bit scared back there so don’t be offended if he doesn’t want to be pet.
SOUND EFFECT: HAPPY BARK.
NORMA
You’re just the cutest! Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy? You’re a good boy!
HUMAN WITH DOG
I guess he did want to be pet. Thanks.
LORETTA
As an aside, of course, dogs also know Norma is a vampire, but they also know she love dogs and would never hurt them or a good pet parent. Now back to the story. As a true telepath, Norma could see the state Laurence was in and knew he would not be pleased to see her. She found a good hiding place and sent a thought into Laurence’s mind:
NORMA
Too many dogs for you. You’ll be seen.
LAURENCE
How many pets do you think are in the building?
SARAH
Most buildings in Seattle are pretty pet-friendly.
LAURENCE
I didn’t grow up with dogs, and I’m afraid of them if I’m honest. But if dogs are allowed, cats are probably allowed too? I’ve been thinking of getting a cat, once I get settled.
SARAH
Yes. Cats are welcome...
NORMA
Laurence is in mourning and didn’t he say he loves espresso?
SARAH
I’m … I’m suddenly feeling a bit loopy. Want a latte or something? There’s a coffee place on the corner.
LAURENCE
Sure. I’ve a free drink coming, allow me to treat you.
SARAH
No, let me. You’re my client.
LAURENCE
Please, I insist. You’re doing all the driving and using much more gas than the cost of a coffee. I already ordered mine, what do you want?
SARAH
Alright, a grande latte please. Cow’s milk is fine.
LAURENCE
Hot?
SARAH
Yes.
LAURENCE
Got it!
NORMA
Laurence is certainly a character.
SARAH
What’s wrong with me? Some people aren’t dog people! Which is weird, but I’ve still found them homes. The dogs just sensed Laurence’s fear and freaked. Maybe I did too. Stupid fake fangs.
If Laurence gets off pretending to be a vampire in a goofy hoodie, it’s no concern of mine.
LAURENCE
Here you go. I love coffee places with apps; it makes my peppermint mocha fix super convenient.
SOUND EFFECT: CAR NOISE
SOUND EFFECT: TEXT NOTIFICATIONS
DISPATCH
Dispatch: New Ticket. Pier 91: Hit 1 for on the way.
Hit 2 to send a message and give a tracking update.
NORMA
Damn, beached mermaid over by the cruise ships. Gotta call it a night. Hopefully Laurence doesn’t do anything else dumb.
LORETTA
But before Norma left, she sent one more message to Sarah’s mind to encourage further disbelief in vampires.
NORMA
He’s drinking a peppermint mocha.
SOUND EFFECT: CAR
SARAH
If he was a vampire, he couldn’t drink that. No. Vampires don’t drink peppermint mochas because vampires don’t exist.
LAURENCE
(Nervous, shyly)
I really love the Christmas - I mean holiday- menus, but the peppermint mochas are my favorite year-round option. Sorry. I love Christmas—especially American Christmas—and sometimes forget not everyone celebrates. Sorry.
SARAH
No need to apologize. My kids are huge fans of Christmas.
LAURENCE
It’s different in Venice. That’s where I grew up.
SARAH
Christmas or espresso?
LAURENCE
Both...Actually pretty much everything....
SARAH
Silly fake fangs, a fear of dogs. Well, he didn’t grow up an American, no wonder he feels off. This must be simple cultural confusion! Why did I let my imagination get the best of me?
LAURENCE
Wow, this street is charming.
SARAH
This is a planned community, but a very old one. There’s a small HOA fee of $40 a month that pays for the shared driveways and sidewalks.
LAURENCE
What a cute roof line! And the garden is adorable. It looks like a storybook cottage. The listing described the cottage perfectly.
SARAH
This house is over 100 years old, but the listing mentions a modern kitchen and two bathrooms so it’s been through at least one renovation.
SOUND EFFECT: DOOR OPEN
LAURENCE
Oh...This floorplan is simply a letdown. And the kitchen is smaller than the one in the condo. What’s upstairs?
SARAH
I believe the converted attic space is now the Primary Suite.
LAURENCE
From the outside, it looks picture perfect, but inside, I don’t know it seems like a different house if that makes sense… I think the renovation didn’t go well.
SARAH
I know you’re willing to do some repairs, but that ceiling concerns me as does the floor we’re standing on. Consider what repairs you can handle and which you can’t.
LAURENCE
What’s next?
SCENE 3: COMING IN/GOING OUT
SOUND EFFECT CAR/TRANSITION
LORETTA
Though Laurence and Sarah sought homes throughout the city, Laurence was disappointed as Sarah dropped him off at his rented basement apartment, but he was gladdened by the presence of his elderly landlady, Betty, on the front porch.
BETTY
Hi Larry. Any luck?
LAURENCE
House hunting isn’t as fun as TV makes it out to be. Nothing spoke to me yet. The best house I saw was the first house I saw. I looked at some condos, but I’m not sure ...about the noise.
BETTY
Finding a home takes time. Need a hug?
LAURENCE
Yeah.
BETTY
Boy, you’re freezing! It’s still too cold for only a hoodie. Coming in or going out?
LAURENCE
Only to change. There’s a Drink and Draw in the ID.
BETTY
Good. Stay busy. When Jon died, only by staying busy did I function at all. You look too pale. Eating enough?
LAURENCE
The bar has tacos.
BETTY
Good … I suppose you’ll be walking. Some fresh air and exercise will put life back into your cheeks and get your creative juices flowing.
LAURENCE
I’m sure it will.
BETTY
But if you’ve too much to drink, don’t be afraid to call. I’ll come get you. You might be mugged, if you’re thinking poorly....
And remember to put on a jacket!
LAURENCE
Yes Ma’am.
I wonder if Betty would hug me if she knew my true nature.
Okay, grab a jacket, and sketch book, charcoal, wallet, keys, phone,...
SOUND EFFECT: BAR NOISE
BARTENDER
Your usual Mad Mint Mocha?
LAURENCE
Yes, please.
LAURENCE
Hi. Nice to see you.
ENSEMBLE
Hi / Hey Larry / Nice to see ya.
LAURENCE
Hi, I’m Larry. I’d like to draw you if that is okay, but I don’t want to stare and disrupt your art.
LOVELY HUMAN
Is that a line?
LAURENCE
No, I love figure drawing. I drew the bartender last week.
And that’s my landlady. See?
LOVELY HUMAN
Wow, you really have talent.
LAURENCE
I just have had a lot of time to practice.
LOVELY HUMAN
You can draw me if you’d like.
If I can I draw you?
LAURENCE
Of course.
LOVELY HUMAN
I apologize if it doesn’t turn out. I’m a beginner.
LAURENCE
Everyone starts somewhere. I was fortunate to have a mother who encouraged such endeavors.
LOVELY HUMAN
Are you close to your mother?
LAURENCE
I was. She died when I was sixteen.
LOVELY HUMAN
I’m sorry.
SOUND EFFECT: HEARTBEAT START SOFTLY AND SLOWLY RISE UNTIL LAURENCE LEAVES BAR.
LAURENCE
Are you close to your family?
LOVELY HUMAN
I’d like to be closer. I came for the tech industry like nearly everyone.
The days fly by so fast I forget to call until it’s too late.
LAURENCE
I finished my drawing.
LOVELY HUMAN
What? That’s so fast. Amazing.
LAURENCE
Sorry, I must go. Here keep it. Send it to your mom.
SOUND EFFECT: PAPER RIPPED OFF A NOTEBOOK.
LAURENCE
See ya.
SOUND EFFECT: HEARTBEATS SOFTEN, BUT ARE TAKEN OVER BY IN-CITY
LORETTA
Now this may surprise you, but even as late as 2018, Laurence still hunted.
He sniffed the air, seeking the fragrance of the ill and dying. Like the haunted thing he is, he climbed a wall and slid into an unlocked window.
VICTIM #1 - MUFFLED SCREAM
LAURENCE
Don’t worry. Your death will be easier than the one you know that’s coming.
VICTIM #1
(Coughing)
I have a cross!
LAURENCE
It’s a lovely cross. May God walk with you to your reward...are your affairs in order?
VICTIM #1
What?
LAURENCE
Are your affairs in order? I offer an easy death by my fangs, or I’ll go and you can die in a few months by your illness.
With your condition, your death will most likely be reported as a suicide, but He knows you are my victim. You’ve suffered your malady long enough.
VICTIM #1
Can you turn me? Make me young again, vampire.
LAURENCE
Even if I knew how to change you, which I do not, you’d still be old and dying.
VICTIM #1
Will you at least put a spell on me – like Antonio Ban--
LAURENCE
No.
I’m just some guy, not Dracula.
But you’ll die with little pain if you relax and let death take you.
VICTIM #1
Okay
SOUND EFFECT: SUCKING
LAURENCE
Just relax. I met a pretty human tonight, but I don’t know if I will ever love again. I’m still in mourning from my last love. How can I ever trust a person again with the knowledge that I was born in 1802?
VICTIM #1
Why trust me?
LAURENCE
Because you will be dead before I leave.
LORETTA
Since Laurence had not eaten all day and was exhausted from house hunting, he drank deeply, but leisurely, speaking in between sips and stroking his victims scalp.
LAURENCE
Nights like these, I miss my family. My mom, my younger sister and my first wife, Suzan. God I miss Suzan.
VICTIM #1 GROANS
LAURENCE
We married at Fort Vancouver. Suzan could hunt as if she was the walking aspect of Diana herself.
VICTIM #1
Hunt people?
LAURENCE
No - rabbit, deer, or salmon she had caught and prepared.
I was twenty-two when we married, she was seventeen. I didn’t want to marry, but I kept waking up at night and wandering....bothering the other bachelors.
VICTIM #1
Seducing them? Drinking their blood?
LAURENCE
What? No! They just thought I was a sleepwalker. We didn’t have any unions or HIPPA protections back then. Since there was no real cure for me, my boss told me to hire some men to build me a cabin and become a family man or else lose my job. After all, at least then the other clerks could sleep.
My boss’s wife introduced me to Suzan. She was a respectable girl, but an orphan, or her father abandoned her...That happened a lot at the fort to the children of trappers after men finished their contracts. My boss’s wife told Suzan if she married me she would get a gentleman’s rations, so we married.
SOUND EFFECT: SUCKING
VICTIM #1
When does this story get good?
LAURENCE
Get good? Though we married for worldly reasons, we were kind to each other. I loved her and miss her deeply.
VICTIM #1
When do you start acting like a vampire?
LAURENCE
Very well. I was allowing you to drift off with slow but steady blood loss, but there are other ways...more painful....but faster...
VICTIM #1 screams
SCENE 4: AFTER THE HUNT
SOUND EFFECT STREET NOISES
LAURENCE
Betty will die, just like Suzan and Rob died. What happens if she dies before I find a home? What if I’m sleeping when she dies and officials find me in the basement? After Rob died, if I hadn’t woken, my resting place might’ve been discovered. Why did I...
NORMA
Hold up, Carlos, it’s Laurence...he’s calling again.
But you woke up…. Keep moving...follow your dreams...you can do it!
LAURENCE
Suzan would say I can do it. But she doesn’t understand this world.
I might’ve been burned as they carried my corpse into the sunlight. Or worse, I might not have been discovered. They would have bulldozed me deep into the earth. I would have awoken, trapped. Buried under a parking lot; unable to scratch my way out; screaming in never-ending thirst.
NORMA
You aren’t trapped, but you gotta keep moving forward. Chill out.
LAURENCE
Suzan’s right. I can do it.
NORMA
Yeah, I think he’s good for tonight. Let’s get this mermaid home.
VOICE TRAILS OFF
LAURENCE
I escaped. I’m fine. Betty is alive. All life is finite—except I presume a stregone—yet, we too can die. I want to remember every inch of Rob’s face, but…
I need Bill’s luck and animalistic qualities. I am hunting after all. Maybe my victim’s right, I need to be as I was with Bill.
LORETTA
And when Laurence arrived at home, he opened one of the four jars of earth which he kept close to his bed. To Laurence this jar of earth symbolized the first part of the twentieth century - years which were happy, exciting, and terrible. They also held the memories of his second love.
SOUND EFFECT: LAURENCE’S INHALATION
LORETTA
He inhaled the loamy scent deeply and was enveloped by the presence of a 41 year old man, with just a touch of gray in his curly dark hair. A man who lived as very few did, even after he transformed into a vampire and who died at least twice: William Caruso informally known as Bill.
BILL
What’s our prey?
LAURENCE
Why hello to you too, Bill.
LORETTA
Laurence pressed his fingers into the soft earth and scooped out a handful to put in a ziplock bag so he might carry it in his pocket. William’s presence became overwhelming. Laurence could remember every detail of him: the sparkle of his white teeth, his abundant curls which he tamed with menthol hair-cream, his favored tobacco, the laundry soap that the laundry service used. And in his mouth Laurence tasted the sweat which lingered on the skin and of course the taste of William’s blood.
BILL
Our prey?
LAURENCE
A house.
BILL
Would you not rather have a lovely young man whose face I could tear off?
LAURENCE
That’s not who I am anymore.
BILL
(annoyed)
Fill me with daylight now.
LORETTA
Laurence mourned Suzan greatly, but by 1920, he was dating William Caruso, casually known as Bill. You will hear the men refer to him thus and Norma refers to him as Dad.
So let us begin...Sarah had found three more properties to view and of course picked Laurence up. And Laurence carried a bag of old earth, Bill’s earth, in his pocket.
SOUND EFFECT: CAR NOISES
SARAH
Hello.
LAURENCE
Good evening.
SARAH
Perhaps you’ll let me treat you to a peppermint mocha this time?
LAURENCE
That would be magnificent....Some of these seem pretty far south.
SARAH
Your budget goes farther in the south end than the north.
Is there a listing you don’t want to see?
LAURENCE
This one in Georgetown.
SARAH
Alright.
SOUND EFFECT CAR NOISE
SARAH
This two-story house is convenient to the Columbia City buses on Rainier.
LAURENCE
Whoa, this place is way too much work for me. We can go.
SOUND EFFECT CAR NOISE.
SARAH
This midcentury brick rambler has a nice sized yard.
LAURENCE
Are we still in Seattle?
SARAH
We’re within city limits, but for shopping, you’re closer to Renton. It doesn’t have the greatest walking score, but the reason I brought you here is this home is over $100,000 under budget.
LAURENCE
Really? $100,000 less?
SARAH
Your money goes farther the further south we go. We can even spread our search to North Renton or White Center, if this house interests you.
LAURENCE
Think I could I live here without a car?
SARAH
There are several buses into the city core within walking distance on Rainier. If we find something closer to I-5, you would also have the light rail stations.
LAURENCE
I don’t think I realized how much further my money would go here. Certainly something to think about.
LAURENCE
And the house looks as good as the listing!
SARAH
The home was recently remodeled. Electrical updated, gas updated… The fireplace has a new insert, and these are brand new laminate floors.
LAURENCE
Oh these cabinets are good wood, I might have them stripped and refinished with stain.
SARAH
Yes, they look original, or at least a very early renovation....and this is the backdoor to the large, fenced backyard.
HEART BEAT sound effect.
SARAH
Wha--What’s that?
LORETTA
Sarah spun towards Laurence quickly and stepped backwards. Laurence heard fright in her heartbeat, he did not know what he had done to set off her internal alarm, but he realized quickly he had to back off.
LAURENCE
Hmmm. Would it be inconsiderate if I walk around the block? I won’t be long.
SARAH
It’s fine.
LAURENCE
Sorry to bring this up. Forgive me for speaking on an improper …well such personal things…But can you tell me if there’s a Catholic church within walking distance? I’m so uninformed about this part of the city. Maybe that should have been on my wish list. I’m a church goer. Sorry.
SARAH
SARAH
(thought) Okay, definitely not a vampire.
SARAH
I’ll look on my phone and let you know by the time you get back.
LAURENCE
Thank you.
SARAH stifles a giggle.
SOUND EFFECT: DOOR
LAURENCE
Thank God for Hollywood. And thank Bill for taking me to see Dracula thirty times.
How would suburban life fit in with a stregone?
It didn’t fit with Bill. The train can get me into the city core, but I might be visible to commuters, I’d definitely be visible to the bus and light rail drivers. If I wandered this neighborhood at night without a dog, I would eventually be seen. It’s getting harder to find good food who won’t be missed. A nosey neighbor could ruin it all.
SOUND EFFECT: DOOR
SARAH
Well I found St. Paul’s off 57th. It’s about a mile away, is that too far?
LAURENCE
No, it’s not too far. But this isn’t it. The house is nice, but the neighborhood is weird. No one’s on the street or even in their front yards and it's only seven. I enjoy Drink and Draws, life drawing classes, and other art meetups. I still go to bars with my friends.
SARAH
Georgetown has an artist community. Or we could go to West Seattle, but the home is in another residential neighborhood.
LAURENCE
How close is the Georgetown listing to the airport?
SARAH
Looks like it’s a little over a half-mile.
LAURENCE
Alright. Let’s go to Georgetown
SOUND EFFECT: CAR NOISE
LAURENCE
The front yard is really overgrown, and the front door looks ready to fall off its hinges. I don’t like that graffiti.
SARAH
Uh oh, It looks like there might be squatters in there.
LAURENCE
Please let’s just go. I don’t want to waste any more time. I want that Beacon Hill fixer-upper. Being here…and driving through Rainier Valley helped me realize how much I want to stay in the city proper. I’m even familiar with St. John’s. Is it okay if I make an offer?
SCENE: SUCCESS!
SOUND EFFECT: CAR NOISE/TRANSITION
LAURENCE
Hi Betty, I put in an offer on a house in Beacon Hill.
BETTY
Wonderful!
LAURENCE
I can hardly believe what I’m doing. It’ll be a project. I could tell it needs some plumbing work, and I’ll see what they find at the inspection. They always find something.
BETTY
Yes, they do. What’s your plans for the night?
LAURENCE
I’m staying in, I’m in the middle of a portrait. I can’t wait to show you.
BETTY
Good. Chat with you later.
LAURENCE
See ya.
SOUND EFFECT: DOOR OPEN AND CLOSE
LAURENCE
You inspired me tonight, Bill. I took what I wanted just like you would. But now I have to get my mind away from you, lest I remember how it really was between us.
BILL
When you beat your gums, you always bring the needles, don’t you?
LORETTA
Though Laurence knew he should paint, he paced. And though he knew he should not dwell in the memories of William, he kept replaying the excitement of him mixing it with the excitement of putting in an offer for his home. He dreamt of the parties, the lovemaking, and the hunts.
Worse, there was much more to that life that Laurence loved: he shared a close friendship with William’s wife, Dottie, and William’s two sons: Bill Junior and Jason
But all the joy and life ended when William noticed his first gray hair...
BILL
Why should you be the only one to know the secrets of life and death?
LAURENCE
But I don’t know how I became a stregone.
BILL
Then we need to figure it out…I’m not gonna be an old man!
LORETTA
Though Laurence did not care that his lover was aging, William became obsessed with life and death and as time marched on, eventually...
BILL
I can’t believe it.
LAURENCE
What?
BILL
It’s in the directory! I guess the yellow pages really can tell you everything.
LAURENCE
What are you talking about?
BILL
The Paper Flower Consortium. It’s right here under Vampire Services in Georgetown! They have a Sabbath and Fellowship each week on Sunday at midnight
LAURENCE
You have a family—
BILL
I’m divorcing Dottie.
LAURENCE
What, but how can you abandon Dottie?
BILL
I don’t want...why does it matter?
LAURENCE
You said, you promised us if you had me, you’d never have another woman…
BILL
I don’t want another woman! I want to be forever strong. For eighteen years I suffered playing good husband and father. When do I get something?
LAURENCE
Do you know what I would’ve given to have had eighteen years with Suzan? Everything is perfect, and you’re ruining it!
BILL
Nothing is perfect! I am the one who has to play Pinochle on Thursday nights and go to church on Sundays.
NOTE FOR ACTOR: Pinochle: pea-nuckle
SOUND EFFECT: SLAP
LAURENCE
Stop it.
SOUND EFFECT: SLAP
BILL
And I have a job, I work like a man should. What do you do? Pretend to be an artist? Pretend to be human on my dime.
SOUND EFFECT: SLAP
LAURENCE
I swear if you ever hit me again, I’ll kill you.
BILL
Good. Do it. You should have put me out of my misery long ago.
LAURENCE
It would be so easy to kill you.
LAURENCE SOBS
BILL
Take me to the Sabbath…Just one. If you hate it, we never have to go back.
SOUND EFFECTS: PARTY
LORETTA
And so it was Laurence ..and William...stepped into the Paper Flower Consortium for the first time.
AGATA
Welcome our young friends, we are happy you finally attended a Sabbath Fellowship, Laurence.
LAURENCE
Bill wanted to come. You know my name?
AGATA
Yes. We have a telepath among our number. I am Agata, and this is my husband, Jakub Bankier. We are originally from Moldavia, we understand you are from Venice?
LAURENCE
Uh yes...
AGATA
And your friend?
BILL
I am William Caruso, Madame.
AGATA
Tis lovely to meet you, William. And you are an American of this new age! Many would enjoy meeting you.
JAKUB
Some covens still have a reputation for encouraging segregation, but as you see, we do not discriminate here by nationality, religion, skin color, or other social constructs. You and your paramour are safe here, Laurence.
Mingle.
Bill
Who’s that? Excuse me.
AGATA
Laurence, allow me to introduce my Firstborn, Pascaline. Pascaline, this is Laurence Roch.
PASCALINE
Hello, Laurence. How do you do?
PASCALINE
It is nice to finally meet you.
LAURENCE
You wanted to meet me?
PASCALINE
The coven has known you’ve been in Seattle for awhile. We were sure you knew about us too.
LORETTA
Laurence did not know what to say. He had known of us. He chose to say nothing as he hid his knowledge from William. Of course, everyone who knows Pascaline knows that my sister pressed on.
PASCALINE
My sister and I were adopted by our dear parents centuries ago, so though we are in the process of becoming an official nationally recognized coven, we are still a small family unit in many ways.
LORETTA
From Laurence Again Silence.
Since Laurence was not conversing with Pascaline, Maman, that is Agata, introduced him around to Charles and I. Of course Laurence and Charles found more to say to each other because they both worked at Fort Vancouver. But he was afraid and nervous around other vampires and incredibly untrained in every way. After our conversation, Laurence circled groups again
ENSEMBLE VAMPIRE
Have you my friends traveled between Seattle and Tacoma as of late, Four lanes all for automobiles can you believe it?
ENSEMBLE VAMPIRE
Ugh that Fabric what century does she think this is!
LORETTA
until Papa, that is Jakub, refilled his glass.
JAKUB
There is no need to hunt here.
LAURENCE
I-I wasn’t. I can’t find Bill.
JAKUB
Ahh. Yes. Agata and Pascaline told me you are shy.
LAURENCE
I-I…it’s just Pascaline is so beautiful, I became tongue-tied ... I can’t find Bill.
Bill
JAKUB
Here he is. Laurence, this is Derrik, my second born ...and Pascaline’s husband.
DERRIK
How do you do?
LAURENCE
Can we go? I don’t understand this place.
BILL
What do you not understand?
LAURENCE
Why won’t some of the humans talk to me?
JAKUB
The ones who won’t talk to you are enthralled to a vampire and don’t want to give you the wrong impression… Bill says he’s not your thrall.
LAURENCE
Thrall? I don’t keep slaves.
JAKUB
Thralls are not slaves, they give us blood. We give them whatever they want – most often money and a rent-free apartment, occasionally love from one of us, but only if they want it.
LAURENCE
Bill, please, let's go.
BILL
You’re overreacting, getting caught up in older language.
DERRIK
Many find a peace among vampires that they did not find in the world. I did. Then I joined them.
LAURENCE
Bill!
BILL
Jakub was a knight back in Moldavia and France - and he has a wife and three enthralled humans - they share them. Derrik has a wife and a lover, who is his enthralled human. They do not share her, the gracious lady has a lady of her own.
They’ll teach us to bleed people!
LAURENCE
Swell, please let’s go.
DERRIK
Why did you come here if not to learn about us?
LAURENCE
Bill wants to learn your ways.
DERRIK
He wants to enter the program?
LAURENCE
You’d have to ask him. Not me. I want to go home.
DERRIK
I shall give you what you want.
LORETTA
With that Derrik slipped his mind over Laurence’s.
Laurence turned and walked out without another word to any of us.
DERRIK
Now, uh, where were we? Oh yes, have you ever used a ballpoint pen?
BILL
Yes, at work. I like the reliability and control... dependability.
LORETTA
William spent a few nights with Derrik and then he left for a short time to get his affairs in order - setting up alimony for his wife and child support and college tuition for his sons. Obviously, this devastated his family, but not one of them were surprised.
I do try not to judge what happened between the men, but my loyalty has always been to my sister. What I shall say is William claimed he was full of regrets, tired of broken promises in his relationship with Laurence. Due to the nature of Laurence and William’s hunting activities, we know that William was likely already one of the infected. But we did not understand what monster we allowed into our world until it was too late. We, who had all forgotten, what it was to be weak and fragile, were all made wiser by the experience....
However our experience was not shared with Laurence thus he was not made wiser.
SOUND EFFECT: PHONE RINGS
LAURENCE
Hi, Sarah!
SARAH
I’m sorry, Laurence, but the seller accepted an over asking price offer by an investor.
LAURENCE
I’m sorry to hear that. Is there anything else to look at?
SARAH
I’ll find more listings and we’ll view more properties in a couple of days.
LAURENCE
Okay bye.
LAURENCE
I would have loved that house, made it new again, made it eternal like me. The investor will kill it—tear it down and build a row of line houses. The news keep saying the soul of Seattle is dying! This is why. Houses need to be loved, resided in. I want vengeance for my house and the next fallen building.
SOUND FEECT PICKLE JAR
I was wrong, Bill, I need you. I need you the way you were.
BILL
We hunting tonight?
LAURENCE
Just like the old days
BILL
No Mad Mochas
SOUND EFFECT DJ’S POUNDING RHYTHMS.
LAURENCE
House red
BARTENDER
Wanna start a tab?
LAURENCE
No. Cash, please.
BILL
The modern age is wonderful. What wonderfully exposed flesh even in the middle of winter! We don’t need to tear through clothes anymore!
VICTIM #2
Restroom?
BARTENDER
Over there.
BILL
There’s our chance. Look how he catches our eyes. Good. Go after him.
SOUND EFFECT: LOWER MUSIC LEVEL. RAISE HEARTBEAT
VICTIM #2
What do you want?
LAURENCE
Just you
VICTIM #2
I thought so.
LAURENCE
I love a willing victim.
VICTIM #2
What the hell? Hey...
SOUND EFFECT: A STRUGGLE
BILL
Let’s gorge on flesh.
SOUND EFFECT: SLURPING AND CRUNCHING
LAURENCE
What have I done? I can’t leave a dead body in this bathroom, I’ll be seen!
How will I get the body out of the bathroom?
What should I do? I am trapped...
There is only one place to turn....Bill, you must go. See this?
BILL
Norma’s Cleaning Service?
LAURENCE
I’m getting Norma.
BILL
So she became a... super hero... after all. Good.
LAURENCE
Eleven minutes till arrival. Come faster.
Damn me. I shouldn’t be spending money like this when I’m trying to buy a house! What was I thinking! Maybe the victim has some cash.
How could I do this? I am not Bill.
I’m sorry. You see, I let Bill’s rage in. I haven’t done that since I was a young vampire.
SOUND EFFECT: KNOCK
NORMA
Let us in. Sober enough to walk?
LAURENCE
Yes. I-I think so.
NORMA
Wash your face. Good. Now put on this windbreaker, it’ll hide most of the blood. Carlos’ll clean up and carry him.
Have a tab?
LAURENCE
No, I paid cash.
NORMA
Does he?
LAURENCE
I don’t know.
NORMA
Okay according to the victim’s license: his name is Joshua Campbell. Start singing Happy Birthday- act super drunk - see this old mp3 player- pretend your friend is singing too. Carlos get them out of here.
LAURENCE AND VICTIM #2 DRUNKENLY SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
IT FADES INTO BAR NOISE
NORMA
Tab for Joshua Campbell?
We’ll pay the balance in cash.
BARTENDER
Here’s the credit card.
NORMA
Here’s your card back, Josh.
SOUND EFFECT: MUSIC FADES/CAR NOISE
LAURENCE
Did you get … body changed…
NORMA
Let me take off this costume. It’s a tear away, see?
LAURENCE
You’re still Norma.
NORMA
Yep.
Laurence, I’m truly sorry about Rob.
LAURENCE
Oh God, The Paper Flower Consortium set their eyes upon me again. You’d tell me right?
NORMA
Sure, but…
LAURENCE
Will they force me to follow their rules? How will they react if they discover I’m doing stupid things to men in bathrooms… They might request I join the Consortium or leave Seattle. How could I be so stupid!
NORMA
Hey, you called me, and I’m here now. The other vampires only want you to take care of yourself. A fair number go to bars, you know. If they didn’t, I’d be out of a job...
How’s the house hunting?
LAURENCE
I was outbid on a house I loved.
NORMA
He made the counteroffer?
LAURENCE
No—but he’s the type who would. It’s so hard to get a house with so many investors.
NORMA
I hear that.
LAURENCE
Investors stole Rob’s house. I lost my temper. God, why did I do this? I dishonored Rob’s memory. God, why did Rob leave me?
NORMA
I don’t think he meant to. I’m sorry I didn’t know what happened. If I had, we would’ve gotten you out without waking you from your torpor.
LAURENCE
I couldn’t sleep in the coven!
NORMA
Yeah I know. I wouldn’t have brought you there, but put you somewhere safe.
LAURENCE
It’s my fault. I should’ve turned him.
NORMA
Did Rob want that?
LAURENCE
No
NORMA
Then you did right by him. Listen carefully….
Next time eat a raw steak with cow’s blood—it’s cheaper. And you won’t be weeping in my van. You always hate yourself when you act impulsively. What can you tell me about your victim?
LAURENCE
I met him in the bar. We made out in the…bathroom. I shouldn’t say things to a lady—especially you. You’re too young to hear this.
NORMA
Laurence, wake up. Wake up.
You must stay awake.
You sure he only had alcohol in his system?
LAURENCE
I didn’t see him take anything else. Sorry. God, I miss Rob so badly.
NORMA
Drink. Of course, you miss Rob. I know how much you loved him. Drink!
LAURENCE
Where did you get this blood?
NORMA
Coven bloodbank,
You look like you stepped out of a horror movie. Come on stay awake!
By the way, read any good books lately?
LAURENCE
I’ve been painting…
NORMA
Stay awake! There’s a Pre-Raphaelite exhibit coming. Wanna come with me? You might find it inspiring.
LAURENCE
Why do you say that? Is the coven spying on me?
NORMA
God, you’re paranoid. I remember you liked them: John Waterhouse, William Hunt, Danti Rosetti. Looking at your book covers, I’d say their work inspires your work now.
LAURENCE
You remember?
NORMA
Of course, I remember. Geez. You’ve been hooking up with my honored sister for decades.
LAURENCE
It’s not just a hookup. I love Pascaline.
NORMA
Yeah, I get it. I also don’t care.
LAURENCE
I’d be with her, but she’ll never leave Derrik!
NORMA
I think you’re forgetting how much you two argued about basic existence choices.
LAURENCE
Where is Pascaline?
NORMA
Torpor.
LAURENCE
Oh. I’d like to see her...when she wakes again.
What are you doing with the body? I took the cash.
NORMA
Searching for a clue that might give a logical reason for Josh’s accidental death. There’s nothing to tell us who this man was except a willing hookup in a bar …You paying through the app?
LAURENCE
No. Cash, please. It’d look weird. I don’t make big payments out of my checking account except bills.
NORMA
Even thousand. Coven won’t mind me giving you the family discount.
LAURENCE
$530 plus $200… Crap. I need an ATM.
NORMA
You need a clean shirt. Finish getting that blood off you. And put the hood over your face and here’s some glasses.
TRANSITION: CAR NOISE/TRANSITION
LAURENCE
Thanks for stopping at a no-fee ATM.
NORMA
Want a ride home?
LAURENCE
No thanks, I’ll walk. I need to clear my head.
NORMA
Well, try not to freak if you see your victim on the news….And don’t be a stranger.
LAURENCE
What’s up with this guy? You sure he’s safe?
NORMA
Of course. Carlos’s a shade and he’s only a few years old.
LAURENCE
You killed him?
NORMA
Of course not, you hypocrite! I found him under a pool table with a crushed larynx.
CARLOS grunts a WTF sound.
NORMA
That’s why he can’t talk.
LAURENCE
Yeah. Well, be careful. If you need anything, you have my cell.
NORMA
And you have mine. Good luck finding a house.
SOUND EFFECT: CAR DOOR
NORMA
Damn it, I knew it. I knew he was gonna faint. Get him in the van and search him.
CARLOS
Carrying earth.
LORETTA
Norma gently rubbed a few granules of dirt between her fingers.
NORMA
It’s worse than I thought, he’s not just remembering my dad, he was hunting with him.
CARLOS
You OK?
NORMA
Yeah. Let’s get Laurence some more blood and then a blood test on his victim. Alcohol, molly, and Special K and something else. No wonder Laurence’s out of it.With all the drugs in the victim’s body, we can’t throw him to the sea monsters or offer him to the werewolves. Let’s go to the Consortium. One of the older vampires might wanna party. We can probably make an extra grand on this guy.
SOUND EFFECT: CAR NOISES, DOORS, TRANSITION
PHONE BING. TEXT
LAURENCE
What’s this … A How Was Our Service Email from Norma’s Cleaning Service? What did I do?
LAURENCE
(Reading aloud)
Rate Norma’s Cleaning Service, a proud business within the Paper Flower Consortium.
SOUNDEFFECT: TEXT BING.
LAURENCE
Eddie? Who is that?
SOUNDEFFECT: TEXT BING.
NORMA
Dude, what were you on last night! Carlos get you home okay?
SOUNDEFFECT: TEXT BING.
LAURENCE
I remember kissing someone…was that Eddie?
SOUNDEFFECT: TEXT BING.
LAURENCE
Yes, I’m home.
SOUNDEFFECT: TEXT BING.
NORMA
Looking forward to next week!
SOUNDEFFECT: TEXT BING.
LAURENCE
Come on remember! What is happening next week? And who is Eddie?
What’s going on....I spent money. I know my wallet. Only $20 in cash? I started the night with $200,
I know I’ll check my recent transactions!
LAURENCE
Crap…Last night, I withdrew $300 from an ATM… Dear God, what did I do?
SOUND EFFECT: TEXT BING.
BETTY
Can I come down?
LAURENCE
It’s Betty! Crap are my fangs showing!
SOUND EFFECT: TEXT BING.
LAURENCE
Okay. Give me five.
Change shirts....I must change shirts at least.
DOOR OPENS.
BETTY
You okay?
LAURENCE
Hung over.
BETTY
Not surprising. I brought some Ibuprofen. Drink this before you have your evening espresso.
LAURENCE
Sorry…did I wake you when I came home?
BETTY
Last night, I remember someone bringing you home, but the details are foggy.
LAURENCE
I did wake you. Sorry.
BETTY
No, I was up. It’s harder to sleep through the night now. …Senior moments.
LAURENCE
Both our memories. I barely remember coming home, but Carlos drove me.
BETTY
Carlos is a friend from one of your art meetups?
LAURENCE
Yes.
BETTY
Losing a house is tough, but it’s a tough market. Don’t let it get you so down, if you lose another house.
LAURENCE
I won’t. Sorry again.
SOUND EFFECT: DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES. FOOT STEPS. PHONE BINGS.
LAURENCE
Follow link to review Norma’s Cleaning Service?
I was super drunk after drinking blood from a stranger so don’t remember much,
NORMA
but I found myself tucked safely in my own bed, curtains drawn, fully dressed, except my shoes which were found next to the door and no mud tracked into my apartment. As I had a few texts confirming my whereabouts, my landlady was concerned about my hangover, but not concerned that I was a risky tenant on a bender.
Norma and Carlos are the best! FIVE STARS!
LAURENCE
Alright, Norma, five stars...
So what’s on the calendar... Ugh.an appointment with Sarah. It seems impossible to fall in love with a house again. Do I dare take Bill?
I should call Sarah and cancel.…
But if I find a house this month, I’d seem mostly normal to my neighbors until the long days of summer keeps me inside... Bill is dangerous, but he’s also lucky.
SOUND EFFECT: TEXT BING
LAURENCE
What now!
NORMA
If you think about taking Bill, at least remember how vicious he could be with all three of his kids, Dottie, you. He might have luck, but never trust him to do what’s right.
LAURENCE
I can’t trust you either. Bill’s earth has luck on his side.
SCENE: HOUSE HUNTING
SOUND EFFECT TRANSITION
SARAH
We’ll head to the furthest property north and work our way south.
LAURENCE
Sounds good
SARAH
Now this cottage has been freshly painted and all the tile has been updated in the bathroom…
LAURENCE
This one has no place for my studio and the price seems high for such a small cottage.
SARAH
That’s mostly location. It has peekaboo views of Greenlake on the first floor, and from the converted attic you have a full water view. While it might not matter to you now, some of the best schools are here.
LAURENCE
There’s something disturbing here. A smell?
This house belongs to someone or something with whom I’ve no wish to do business: A hunter, a witch, maybe even another stregon. Hell, maybe a human serial killer. Whoever it is, I have to get us out of this cottage before they come home. Sarah wouldn’t understand the danger even if I explain it.
SARAH
And this charming room is being used...as a dining room.
Wait. What is it I am seeing in the mirror?
LAURENCE
Sarah, I know this isn’t the one. I’m ready to go. …What’s wrong?
SARAH
Oh my God. Where is Laurence’s face? I see his hoodie in the mirror, but he has no head....
(Speaking)
I’m sorry, but I need to take you home. I got a text from my husband. It’s not an emergency, but it is serious… I need to get home.
LAURENCE
I’ll call a rideshare, and you can go. No reason to drive all the way to Leschi.
SARAH
Thanks.
SOUND EFFECT: CAR DRIVING AWAY
LAURENCE
Ride share? I can’t get into a car when I feel like this!
BILL
Why not?
LAURENCE
Exsanguination will definitely drop my rating...What am I still talking to you for, you don’t understand the world. You died forever in 1951! You didn’t even exist for one human lifetime.
I need a bigger budget. You won’t believe house prices.
BILL
Go see Jakub.
LAURENCE
I don’t want to be in debt to the Paper Flower Consortium again. Do you know how long I was in debt last time?
BILL
Yes, until I got you out of it.
LORETTA
As it is several miles between Greenlake and Leshi, Laurence had quite a walk in front of him. While talking to him self on the streets of Seattle, Laurence began to fall back in his memories when in 1938, when he entered the Paper Flower Consortium for the second time.
SCENE: FURTHER REGRESSION
SOUND EFFECT: TRANSITION: ADDING MACHINE
JAKUB
How may I help you, Laurence?
LAURENCE
My victims have no cash…. I can’t sell a painting…I’m about to be evicted.
JAKUB
Normally I don’t give loans to those who don’t have collateral. Does Bill know you need money? He will not set you aside. He speaks of your time together with great affection.
LAURENCE
I’m trying to stand on my own, but there is a Depression out there.
JAKUB
Hmm. Well as you are a vampire, the Paper Flower Consortium Savings and Loan’s personal loans have a 3% annual interest rate.
LAURENCE
Thank you… Can you write the cheque quick, I don’t want Bill to know I’m here.
JAKUB
As it pleases you, but you can’t hide from a telepath especially one as powerful as Bill.
BILL
Hello, Larry
LAURENCE
Bill...it’s nice to see you.
BILL
What the hell is wrong with you? Why didn’t you tell me you needed money?
LAURENCE
You divorced Dottie.
BILL
I still pay alimony, Bill Junior’s college tuition, and child support for Jason. I’m a monster, not a deadbeat. I’ll give you some alimony.
LAURENCE
I’ll never take another dime from you. I don’t know what happened, but you changed.
BILL
I know. I’m the vampire you could be.
LORETTA
Once William got Laurence away from Jakub’s ear shot, he whispered something into Laurence’s ear and only by context do we know what it was.
LAURENCE
So you’ve destroyed two marriages?
BILL
The “gracious lady” was a courtier in Versailles; she never expected monogamy from her husband.
(Laughs.)
But Derrik is much better at playing the good husband than I ever was. He actually enjoys spending time with his wife. They are quite good friends. Have you ever heard of such a thing?
LAURENCE
So that place is a den of sin.
BILL
Hardly. It’s incredibly dull: dinner parties, card games, church of all things.
Pascaline and her sister play the piano and sing old songs for their husbands and “parents.”... Xiao and Alice are the least interesting people on the planet. I’ve been lonely. I miss our hunts....and other shared activities.
LAURENCE
Your tone debases acts of love.
BILL
God, you’ve become dull.
LAURENCE
At least, I don’t have to worry about hurting you any longer.
SOUND EFFECT: SOMETHING HITTING THE FLOOR.
BILL LAUGHS.
LAURENCE
Why do I still love you?
How can I love you?
BILL
I am amazing
SOUND EFFECT. Echo this phrase
NORMA screams.
NORMA
I’m alright, Carlos. It’s just Laurence’s anger. We are connected via Bill. I’m bound to hear his anger from time to time, especially if he’s afraid.
BILL
You’re no different than me and you know it! You love the hunt. You love to feel the blood being drawn from a living victim. You love their screams.
LAURENCE
I’m different than you. I am.
BILL
How are you different from me?
LAURENCE
I never beat my wife....And I never hit one of your kids. Not even Norma. Not even when she was on my last nerve. You can’t say the same.
BILL
Aren’t you just the saint? Piss off and find your own damn house.
LAURENCE
Think of anyone but Bill. Think of Pascaline. Think of her eternal love and patience, of her good nature. But I can’t think of Pascaline without Derrik and Norma. If Derrik hadn’t changed Bill....none of us would have been saddled with Norma.
NORMA
If I wasn’t here, you’d still be in that bathroom!
CARLOS
Take your own advice and don’t listen if it hurts that badly.
LORETTA
I shall pause to remind listeners, while most vampires learn to read the automatic body responses of humans so it seems we are telepathic, that is not true.
A true telepath’s transformation and existence is horrific - and the coven saw two - Derrik and William. We did not witness Norma’s rebirth - we only felt it - as the child refused Death and clung onto existence by a thread which she twisted and raveled, until she awoke a vampire. And her mind was ripped open and every sound of every thinking soul flows into her Humans, Pixies, Vampires, Werewolves and most animals- it is incredibly loud. It took Derrik many years to overcome it and learn to use it as a tool. He regrets he had not assisted William more, but William was his own man...Norma was a girl and wished to learn..
So Laurence walked from Greenlake to Leschi, he remembered the night in November of 1951, when Pascaline knocked on his door. He peeked out and saw she wore a long gown better suited to a different age.
SCENE: A NEW OPPERTUNITY
SOUND EFFECT: DOOR KNOCK.
LAURENCE
Hello?
PASCALINE
Hello, I don’t know if you remember me, but I am Pascaline Fabron Aubinet Miller. I’ve a proposition from Jakub Bankier.
NOTE FOR ACTOR: Pas-kal-leen Fa-bron Au-bin-nay Mill-er
LAURENCE
Please, I’ll pay you. … I found a job to pay the rent at an all-hours diner. Unfortunately, I’m no closer to paying off that debt. This is what I collected. . .so few have money. They have Green stamps and bonds, but cash is still rare unless I kill only the wealthy. Give Jakub this, let him know I’m trying…
PASCALINE
God above, did you never learn that we exist beyond the Fall? The coven has a situation to pay off your debt.
LAURENCE
A situation?
PASCALINE
It’s a worthy occupation. Nothing the coven believes you would find distasteful. May I come in?
LAURENCE
Yes
PASCALINE
William created a vampire from a girl of just fourteen.
LAURENCE
William…you mean Bill? My Bill?
PASCALINE
Yes. He meant to eat her, but after she transformed he thought he could control a child, brainwash her. He said as much before we decapitated him.
LAURENCE
Bill is dead?
PASCALINE
I’m sorry you feel loss, but my concern must be for Norma.
LAURENCE
He wouldn’t hurt a child. Bill was rash, but he wasn’t a monster…
PASCALINE
William was charming...but he was a monster, he gloried in it.
To ease your mind, he drank Norma’s blood from her ankle.
He kept her ill-nourished…. Though by Norma’s account, we are sure that was accidental. They killed nearly sixty people.
LAURENCE
Then how do you know she was ill nourished?
PASCALINE
She was bruised... He bruised her.
LAURENCE
Are you asking me to... I’m not a monster!
PASCALINE
No, you misunderstand...
LAURENCE
Are you asking me to take her in? I barely can afford this place...
PASCALINE
Norma will exist with Derrik. We are in a good place financially to support a child. He has opened his study to be her coffinroom and put his modeling supplies in a small alcove off his room.
I shall be teaching her French and music, however my coven duties and Derrik’s law practice takes much of our time, so we ask you teach her arithmetic, home economics and whatever else she must learn from school in this age. She would be starting the 9th grade. If she has questions that we cannot answer, perhaps you might answer them.
LAURENCE
What do you mean questions?
PASCALINE
Whatever she asks that you are willing to answer.
Norma suffers. The girl can’t seem to sleep through the day. Agata must hold Norma to keep her in a coffin. She fought Loretta off when she tried to dress her in proper clothing.
LAURENCE
Proper clothing, you mean a dress like yours?
PASCALINE
Well, yes.
LAURENCE
I don’t think a young girl would know how to... well...women’s clothing is very different now.
PASCALINE
What would she know?
LAURENCE
Uh, here. Take a look at this magazine.
PASCALINE
It’s hard to believe women go around showing their legs like that. Why is everyone so hairless?
LAURENCE
They aren’t. The painter just didn’t paint the body hair. Or some women shave or wax I guess. I suppose it’s been a while since you left the coven?
PASCALINE
I travel for the coven, but don’t leave often for pleasure, no. The world is much brighter than it was. Sometimes, I fear I shan’t know the dawn.
Now tell me, is it appropriate for a girl Norma’s age to wear pink and red? Those are such masculine colors, but that is what she prefers.
LAURENCE
Yes, many girls were pink now.... Jakub will really discharge my debt if I teach Norma?
PASCALINE
Yes.
LAURENCE
But Bill…
PASCALINE
Is dead. Norma is undead and needs us to guide her.
LORETTA
So it was Laurence came to our coven a third time - and this time, he remained for several years. His loathing of many of our habits was clear, but of course, Pascaline and Laurence began a love affair. Moreover, as he was from a large family with several siblings and cousins, he was much better with Norma that anyone expected... Especially in the early years of her existence as a vampire, Norma was a handful.
NORMA
I don’t understand why are we doing this?
LAURENCE
Because you were further advanced in arithmetic than we expected, so we are moving into geometry.
NORMA
But why does a vampire need geometry?
LAURENCE
Everyone needs it.
NORMA
I doubt that. What about our superpowers?
LAURENCE
What are you talking about?
NORMA
My dad...
LAURENCE
Bill was not your dad.
NORMA
I know, And you and Derrik’s aren’t my vampire grandfathers, just my progenitor’s progenitors. But being my dad made Bill happy... so I called him that. Can you fly?
LAURENCE
No.
NORMA
What about jump really high, like leap over a building in a single bound.
LAURENCE
No.
NORMA
Read minds?
LAURENCE
I believe you know the answer to that.
NORMA
Take over people’s will?
LAURENCE
Obviously not.
NORMA
Well, what can you do?
LAURENCE
I can teach you grammar and geometry.
NORMA
Don’t be obtuse.
DERRIK
Norma Mae what did I tell you...
PASCALINE
Let Laurence handle her, mon cher.
LAURENCE
Don’t call me obtuse.
NORMA
Fine. You’re not obtuse. But you hunt - you act like a vampire--at least sometimes! Why do you all act like we’re still regular people?
LAURENCE
We are regular people…
But if I could fly or jump over buildings, I would definitely need geometry, because I’d have to constantly calculate how to not run into the pesky things. Just think of how embarrassing it would be to crash into the Smith Tower. Seattle wouldn’t have the tallest building on the west coast anymore.
NORMA
(giggles)
How mortifying.
LAURENCE
Now, please, lets go over these formulas for perimeters of three-dimensional shapes.
NORMA
You know, maybe you’re right. Because half the stuff the movies say about vampires is garbage. Except stupid stuff like coffins.
LAURENCE
You don’t like your coffin?
NORMA
Have you ever seen Son of Dracula?
LAURENCE
Why don’t you just sleep with the lid open?
NORMA
I’ve been sleeping in my closet mostly. Or on Derrik’s floor. Cause no one would ever try to hurt him. Do you sleep with your lid open?
LAURENCE
No, I sleep on a bed.
NORMA
Derrik, why can’t I sleep in a bed?
DERRIK
It’s hard enough to know what voices are thoughts and what voices are audible in the beginning. A mindreader needs insulation from the world.
NORMA
But...
PASCALINE
I think that’s enough for tonight, go pray for your mother’s continued health.
SOUND EFFECT: FOOT STEPS
DERRIK
Thanks a lot. Now I’ll never get her to sleep in a coffin. ...You might not be such a weak vampire if you slept in a coffin...you might actually learn your gifts.
LAURENCE
So I can grow up to be a mind-reading blood-sucking lawyer like you? No thanks.
DERRIK
I deny your judgement, Sir, I drink the blood from the willing. You are a killer.
LAURENCE
So was Bill.
DERRIK
I have taken responsibility for my actions in the matter of Bill. Have you?
LAURENCE
I did not change him...
PASCALINE
No, but you, Laurence, encouraged his less than noble side.
LAURENCE
This cannot go on forever...Even Norma is asking, why the charade? What is your plan with her?
DERRIK
Law school, I hope.
Becoming an attorney saved me from poverty, it will save Norma too - even if it means she will be a blood-sucking lawyer.
LAURENCE
But Norma won’t grow up.
PASCALINE
We pray she may mature as she gains knowledge, even if her body will always be fourteen.
DERRIK
I admit I am not as natural with Norma as you and Pascaline, but I have been reading several books on the topic of parenting. I like A Modern’s Guide to Child Rearing. You may borrow it if you wish.
The premise is that children need structure, security, healthy diet, and affection for improvement. It has scientifically backed research about nutrients and developmental markers so I have a guideline to follow.
LAURENCE
You don’t simply follow the Bible’s advice? You?
DERRIK
There is nothing in this book which contradicts Biblical teaching, but the Bible does not have advice in dealing with Gross Reactions due to Previous Trauma or even the wardship of an adolescent or spreading technologies like the radio. She loves that thing.
LAURENCE
And …if...?
PASCALINE
Norma wouldn’t let William kill her. She will not lie down and die for anyone.
Right now, she believes we are safe and are well loved enough by the other vampires that no one will chance hurting us to get at her.
LORETTA
Of course, Norma was right. We did not execute her with William, because we loved Pascaline and Derrik. She knew her safety relied upon their presence. Most of Pascaline, Derrik, and Laurence’s hopes for Norma came true, though she did not study law, instead she studied business and found her own occupation...but all that is another story. What is important It was Norma’s presence who eased Laurence into knowing all of us better. We could not have asked for a better emissary. We hoped this gentle introduction would get Laurence to join the coven officially, it did not. Still we waited. He walked through the winter garden, following the same path. But it was not Pascaline who was on his mind, it was Norma. Not as she is, but as she was a girl who believed she might become mist if she tried a little harder. And other things in these years such as when Derrik asking what parenting method might be useful or effective while Pascaline played the piano as if she could temporarily drown out temporary dometistic discord from the rest of us.
Perhaps, Laurence felt he did the best he could under the circumstances which he had been given, but I wonder if he also was lingering in regret.
All guardians of children make mistakes so I don’t judge anything my sister, Laurence, or Derrik did. But please remember, I was there. The truth was Laurence spent more waking hours with Norma than any other vampire, yet there were times when Norma needed an adult to rely on even when he was present. He had stepped back when exposed to the breadth of her gifts.
He made his choices, but I also think he felt overshadowed by Derrik in both Pascaline and Norma’s affection and emasculated due to the state of his finances - Pascaline and Derrik’s house hold budget paid for everything. And of course he was always treading the tight line between family member and employee.
Once Laurence and Pascaline did not have Norma’s care, they realized they had nothing in common. And both the romance and Laurence’s relationship to us crumbled. However Laurence was out of debt and began a new chapter of his existence - away from vampires and in the world of new technologies such as air travel and mechanical computers. And yet he was never that far away.
He and Pascaline had short term liaisons from time to time or on occasions, he needed Norma’s services and they saw each other socially.
And Norma is ultimately how the coven won his friendship back. You see, it had been about a week since Laurence had heard from Sarah after they viewed the Greenlake cottage...and like so many home buyers Laurence constantly pursued the listings.
LAURENCE
That one looks good. I’ll email Sarah.
Why isn’t she answering me back? Of course, she’s probably asleep.
LORETTA
But a day passed and Laurence still hadn’t heard anything.
LAURENCE
She had been terrified.... I remember her heartbeat....
Oh God, did Sarah see my fangs?
Did I sweat blood?
She must have seen something. Damn me. Do I need a new realtor?
LORETTA
And thus after pacing and mental self-flagellation, Laurence called Norma, because everyone knows when a vampire has a problem within the human world, it is best to turn to an expert.
LAURENCE
Hey, Norma, if I scared my realtor, what should I do?
NORMA
I’ll take care of everything for $300.
LAURENCE
You won’t hurt anyone, will you?
NORMA
Don’t be stupid. I only hurt bad people. Tell me everything!
LAURENCE
I had this strange feeling in a house... something weird...then I saw Sarah’s face. She was beyond frightened.
NORMA
Was she looking at you?
LAURENCE
No, the dining room.
NORMA
What’s the address?
LAURENCE
I don’t want you going there!
NORMA
Address?
LAURENCE
What if you’re hurt?
NORMA
Address. I won’t ask a third time.
LAURENCE
I’ll text it to you.
SOUND EFFECT: NORMA’S PHONE BINGS.
NORMA
Good. Now email your realtor.
Tell her that your little sister is visiting for midwinter break and ask if it’s okay if I tag along the next time you go look at houses.
LAURENCE
How’s that gonna help if she saw my fangs?
NORMA
Just tell her.…And to counter any doubt, we’ll view houses during the day.
LAURENCE
The day?
NORMA
I’ll smother us in sunscreen. We’ll be fine.
LAURENCE
What about the parts you can’t cover with sunscreen?
NORMA
UV sunglasses, brimmed hat, earmuffs. Dude, it’s February. It’s gonna be overcast.
LAURENCE
Ok
NORMA
Buck up! Talk to ya soon...
LAURENCE
Bill....Pascaline....Norma
Vampires are the worst.
SOUND EFFECT: TRANSITION
NORMA
It’s too bad Pascaline isn’t awake.
Call Grandpa.
SOUND EFFECT: OLD TIMEY PHONE RING
DERRIK
Hello?
NORMA
Hi. Can I come over after work in the morning?
DERRIK
Of course. Is something wrong, lamb?
NORMA
Working for Granddad is taking a lot out of me. He needs...a friend I guess.
DERRIK
Doesn’t always have to be you.
NORMA
Who else would it be
Loretta
Laurence was surprised when Norma offered to look at houses with him and Sarah. He never understood Norma’s thought process, but as ordered he typed out the email she had requested to Sarah. Then he waited near his laptop. He drifted off in his chair which is where he slept until his phone awoke him in the early afternoon. It was Sarah!
SARAH
A few new listings just came on the market and we can certainly go to the one you sent…. I know you normally don’t go out in the day, but it’s supposed to rain pretty hard tomorrow. I’m hoping you’ll try.
LAURENCE
You don’t think we can see them at night?
SARAH
I don’t know if I can go out again at night for a few weeks.
LAURENCE
Okay. And it’s okay if I bring my sister to look at houses? She’s a teenager so she won’t break anything or run around. It’s just she’s here.
SARAH
Of course, she’s welcome. I’ll pick you up tomorrow at eleven.
LAURENCE
Norma…we are meeting Sarah Martin tomorrow.
SOUND EFFECT: TEXT NOTIFICATION
NORMA
Good. Spend time in your memories with Rob so you don’t fall backwards in mannerisms.
SOUND EFFECT: TEXT NOTIFICATION
LAURENCE
It hurts too much to remember him right now.
NORMA
I’m sorry, but you need to be as contemporary as possible.
LORETTA
Laurence hesitantly touched his fourth jar of Earth and saw Rob’s face as it was the last time he saw him - moments before Laurence closed his eyes before he entered torpor. He could still remember their last kiss. That was too painful.
Laurence backed from that memory and instead reminisced on the tremble of excitement he had felt when Rob had called him the first time. They had met twice before - once when Laurence delivered some paperwork to Rob’s accounting firm and once in a neighboring bar where Laurence had confessed he was a vampire. Rob has quite reasonably paid his tab and politely took his leave, but in the moments before they were parted, Laurence had pressed his business card into Rob’s hand. And if you’re curious, Laurence assumed he would never hear from him.
SOUND EFFECT: PHONE RING.
LAURENCE
Hello?
ROB
Larry, do you really believe you’re a vampire?
LAURENCE
Yeah, but I hate that word, cause it makes everyone think of Bella Lugosi.
ROB
You need some help, man.
LAURENCE
Probably.
ROB
Do you want to drink my blood?
LAURENCE
No! I just want to know you. I liked your smile that evening when I delivered the files. When I saw you again, I wanted to talk to you. I sound like an idiot, but I like you.
ROB
I might be willing to meet IF you swear on the cross that you aren’t planning on drinking my blood...Or can you do that?
LAURENCE
Swear on the cross, sure. I’m Catholic if it matters. . .
ROB
You go to church?
LAURENCE
Only on Christmas now, I ought to go more often. Do you?
ROB
I take my grandmother every Sunday. She can’t drive. But she’s the only family member who’ll talk to me now... Damn, what in the hell am I doing? Why can’t I get you out of my head? Is this some vampire stuff?
LAURENCE
No, but I hope you’ll meet me.
ROB
You know that cafe on Seventh and Wall?
LORETTA
They met up at the cafe. As requested, Laurence swore on a cross that he would not take Rob’s blood. Laurence ate a steak and explained the precautions he took to not spread vampirism to his lovers. Rob ate a waffle with raspberries and considered what Laurence was saying.
Two nights later, they met again. Those were good memories. Rob was like Suzan: steady, generous, and kind. Both more traditional than not, they would have married if the human laws allowed it. Rob’s grandmother adored him though we don’t know if she ever knew he was a vampire or just the type of boy with who Rob should settle down.
Rob encouraged Laurence to use his artistic gifts. He is the reason the world is blessed with Laurence’s art. Each night for over thirty years, Laurence grew to love Rob more. During those years, he did not hunt, he subsisted primarily on animals and small amounts of human blood which he purchased from our blood bank.
However, Laurence had existed as a vampire for over 150 years and like all vampires do, especially when not consuming human blood each night, he eventually needed to torpor. He awoke to find Rob had left the mortal plane and his body had decomposed on the kitchen floor. And as Rob being completely dead, had not paid their mortgage and taxes, the house had gone into foreclosure and had already been sold and slated for demolition. Thankfully Laurence had enough liquid capitol to escape and find the apartment.
Yet, after lingering with good memories with Rob and considering all which had happened recently and with Suzan dead, Bill dead, and Pascaline in torpor, Laurence found no refuge for his mourning heart. He grew angry at fate and utterly forsaken...
SOUND EFFECT: BETTY’S HEARTBEAT.
LORETTA
Laurence looked toward the sound as he heard Betty puttering around upstairs.
LAURENCE
It’d be nothing for me to eat her and take her house.
LORETTA
Laurence crept to his door, he peeked up the adjoining stairwell, then he climbed the stairs. His fangs expanded. Even if it was locked, a solid wood door could not keep out a vampire...
SOUND EFFECT: PHONE
LORETTA
Laurence turned to the sound momentarily. Then turned back to Betty’s frailness.
SOUND EFFECT: Text Notification
SOUND EFFECT: Text Notification
LORETTA
Though his head pounded with the sounds of Betty’s heartbeat, he moved to his phone.
NORMA
Hey.
NORMA
Don’t do something really messed up.
LORETTA
Annoyed with Norma’s good advice, Laurence threw his phone onto his bed.
SOUND EFFECT: TEXT NOTIFICATION
LAURENCE
God damn Norma…
SOUND EFFECT: TEXT NOTIFICATION
NORMA
You, P, and D used to scold me about focusing on bloodlust when I was really just tired. I’m returning the favor.
SOUND EFFECT: KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
SOUND EFFECT: TEXT NOTIFICATION
NORMA
It’s Carlos.
LORETTA
Laurence opened the door. In the February drizzle, there stood Carlos holding a plastic bag. Inside was something, deliciously meaty in a foam container, which he shoved it into Laurence’s hands.
LAURENCE
Woah, I lost myself there. It smells good. Thanks... Carlos
CARLOS
All part of the service.
LORETTA
Laurence opened the box: inside was a slightly warm, rare stake, covered in a bloody sauce. He devoured it. The meat tamed his hunger and he considered what he had almost done.
LAURENCE
Betty’s niece comes over every Saturday. Her death would be noticed, I’d be caught. My God…how did Norma know?
LORETTA
Then Laurence paced, terrified that he had been tempted to consume an old woman who had been nothing but kind to him. He paced until Norma arrived holding a large makeup kit. Norma removed her jacket, pullover, cap, and scarf. She held it out, but as Laurence was not paying attention to her, but the sun rising out the window, she tossed her things on a nearby chair.
NORMA
You gotta calm down, or this won’t work. Did you eat the steak Carlos brought?
LAURENCE
Yes.
NORMA
Look at me.
LAURENCE
Your fangs are missing! How’d you do that?
NORMA
Ever seen that show Faceoff?
LAURENCE
Uh no.
NORMA
It gave me the idea if you could make a monster with makeup then you could certainly hide a monster with it, so I started to test different things so I might still go dancing even with all the cameras. Any allergies to latex or silicone?
LAURENCE
How would I know?
NORMA
Ever had a reaction to gloves, condoms, that sort of thing?
LAURENCE
No. Can our kind have a reaction?
NORMA
Unsure. I’ve only tested this makeup technique on Derrik and myself, so I don’t know. How much time do we have?
LAURENCE
Sarah will pick us up at eleven.
NORMA
Great, plenty of time to do a test. I can also paint the tips of your fangs away, but it’s not as natural looking and we’ll have to reapply. Now you must remain calm and without bloodlust today because the silicone will stretch some. But if your fangs suddenly expand, it’ll tear.
LAURENCE
I’ve no bloodlust for Sarah.
NORMA
Good. I brought some pale bronzer which will add some color to your cheeks.
LAURENCE
But…
NORMA
It’s only SPF 25, but that will be on top of this SPF 100 face cream.
LAURENCE
I don’t want to look like a clown.
NORMA
I’ll dust your cheeks and temples with a few layers of color as if the wind is biting—which it is. You’ll look a little pinker, but that’s it. Also, it will ensure you cast a reflection.
LAURENCE
A reflection?
NORMA
Yeah. I checked at that house. The dining room had a huge mirror.
LAURENCE
What do you think was there?
NORMA
I think an ancient witch, but whoever it was, I didn’t want to mess with them. I got out of there fast.
LAURENCE
I don’t know if I can do this.
NORMA
The makeup?
LAURENCE
No, buying a house! You don’t understand.
NORMA
Don’t I? I also am a homeowner. This is a time to be happy.
LAURENCE
What’s there to be happy about?
NORMA
Well you’re in a position to purchase a house in cash for one.
LAURENCE
It took hundreds of years.
NORMA
Well, I am still happy for you.
LAURENCE
I am not happy for you. If I had been your guardian, I would’ve found you a respectable husband.
NORMA
I never asked for a husband.
LAURENCE
Then you should’ve gone to law school or kept working at the bank! You had a good job.
NORMA
Carlos was right. You don’t even like me.
LAURENCE
And that’s another thing, Carlos is way too old for you.
NORMA
Too old to be my employee? He has rent and vet bills like everyone else.
He loves his cats, you know.
LAURENCE
Cats?
NORMA
He has four. That’s why he hung on to life.
Well that, and some questionable homeopathic remedy which his friend gave him. Now hold still, please, I need to pat your fangs dry to get this silicone to stick.
Derrik started hosting this family game night. You’re welcome if you want to come, but I gotta warn ya, Derrik’s second born is a killer at Scrabble.
Okay Good, it’s sticking.
LAURENCE
I suppose Derrik risked another lover?
NORMA
Nope. He and Ryan are just friends. Ryan came to the coven on his own and went through the modern initiation program. I don’t think he’s ever hurt anyone ever. Ryan’s a marine biologist and one of those weirdos who was excited to see what the future holds. He thought he’d get to talk to dolphins or something by now.
LAURENCE
It’s nice you have the coven looking after you.
NORMA
We’re a family. Isn’t that what a family is for?
LORETTA
Laurence was unconvinced about that point but he chatted with Norma about a few shared acquaintances, until Sarah arrived.
LAURENCE
The day light...
NORMA
Don’t worry. You need to remain calm Just move from the front door to your realtor’s car. One two three..Go.
SOUND EFFECT: DOORS OPEN AND CLOSE.
LAURENCE
We didn’t burn.
NORMA
It’s cloudy. You worry too much. Hi, Ms. Martin, I’m Norma.
SARAH
Nice to meet you. You can call me Sarah.
LAURENCE
What’re you doing?
NORMA
Selfie. Smile!
LAURENCE groans.
NORMA
On the hunt for my brother’s new house. Look at the cute filter!
SARAH
Great picture.
SARAH
No fangs? It must be a kink if he’s keeping it from his sister. And I was just losing it, working all those evenings.
LAURENCE
Thank you.
NORMA
Yep. I want to use this one next. Okay Lar? That’s our other brother. I’m trying to take even amounts of pics for my mom cause my brothers never take pictures.
SARAH
I didn’t know you had more than one brother.
NORMA
Figures.
Yeah, our middle brother is a lawyer and always working, but his wife is the best. We hang out all the time.
SARAH
Were you also born in Europe?
NORMA
No. Issaquah, but I barely remember it. I’ve been in Seattle most of my life.
Sarah, did Lar tell ya that he and Rob did a ton of work on their old house? He can fix lots of stuff. Their old house was super cute. All original wood floors and old moldings and cabinetry were restored and everything.
SARAH
No, he only said he could deal with a fixer-upper....
SOUND EFFECT: TRANSITION
SARAH
Now this is a 1903 Craftsman...
NORMA
Come on Lar, another selfie!
SARAH
Some people don’t like their addresses shown or their possessions.
NORMA
I won’t get anything like that in. Want in?
SARAH
Okay!
NORMA
Want me to share it with you?
SARAH
I’m on Insta.
NORMA
Our mom is too. I’ll tell her.
LORETTA
Laurence simply stared at Norma. Obviously, this is a lie. Norma’s mother died in 1973, never knowing the truth about what happened to her only daughter, still grieving the loss.
NORMA
Should I take off my shoes?
SARAH
If you would. It’s been raining so hard.
And this is your living room.
LAURENCE
The gas fireplace is nice but that 1980’s surround in flat black with gold splatters in it. Yikes.
NORMA
Mom said she sharing the photo...What’s the internet like in this neighborhood?
SARAH
I’m not sure.
NORMA
Did Lar tell you he has a home office? He needs highspeed internet. He has to share large files with his clients.
SARAH
I can find out. Cable and DSL are in 98% of neighborhoods, fiber is much less common.
LAURENCE
I’m sorry.
SARAH
She’s fine. All kids have their noses in their phones.
LAURENCE
I meant her tone.
SARAH
Laurence, really, she’s fine. Internet speeds are a fair question. Besides, don’t you remember when you knew everything?
LAURENCE
I guess so...
SARAH
And this is the kitchen.
NORMA
Huh, it’s nice, but the stove is electric. The listing mentions a gas connection. Is it just on the fireplace?
SARAH
Might be or the current owners might have decided on an electric stove for ease. Want to check the basement? It’s unfinished, we should be able to see where the gas lines go.
NORMA
Sure!
LORETTA
We know from Norma’s account that they toured several more houses that day I shant mention them all, but then it was that they came to a mid-20th century rambler on Beacon Hill.
SARAH
This rambler came on the market yesterday. It’s another fixer-upper. The only thing is it has a crawlspace, no basement. Two bedrooms, one and a half bath. No garage, but it does have a paved driveway.
NORMA
OMG, so cute!
LAURENCE
Uh, It’s pink and purple.
NORMA
I know!
SARAH
Remember, that’s just paint.
NORMA
Maybe you can strip back that brick. I just hate all the white painted brick in vogue on all the TV shows. Why do people want a house that looks like everyone else?
SARAH
Mostly property values.
NORMA
Yeah, that makes sense... I guess, but if I had this house I’d keep the pink.
LORETTA
Then a terrible thing came to pass, the clouds split and blue began to peak out and worse, they felt the warmth of the immolating sun on their shoulders.
NORMA
(Quiet, but commanding)
We’ll be fine, just stay under the umbrella.
LORETTA
While Sarah unlocked the house, Laurence nervously checked his baseball cap and hoodie, then he drew Norma’s hood over her ski-cap and pulled her closer.
NORMA
Don’t. You must stay calm!
SARAH
Here we go.
LORETTA
Laurence pushed Norma through door and only closed the umbrella once he was through. Norma took off her hood and ski-cap. Then her shoes as was expected of a human American teenager who grew up in a port city with no doubt friends of all nationalities. Laurence was not doing quite as well.
SARAH
Are you all...
LORETTA
Though Laurence opened his mouth to answer, always quick thinking Norma grabbed Laurence’s hand and pulled him to the fire place, excitedly, changing the subject.
NORMA
I love that river rock fireplace and I bet those windows are original. You must like that.
LAURENCE
Yes. Everything certainly looks well-kept.
SARAH
The home has only had two owners. The current owners are retiring and looking to downsize.
NORMA
And it’s nice that the bigger window faces the east rather than the west, won’t get too hot in here. What changes are you thinking of making to the room, Lar?
LAURENCE
Can you imagine if those little windows were replaced with stained glass?
NORMA
It’d look really good.
SARAH
What pattern do you like?
LAURENCE
Mission style would go with the midcentury vibe of this place, especially once I strip all this back to the original oak.
NORMA
OMG, I love the dining room. You know, this would make a good art studio and its close to the kitchen for coffee and to wash your brushes.
LAURENCE
I suppose it would.
NORMA
Sarah, will the homeowners get mad if I measure the inside of the cupboards? I swear I’m not peeking.
SARAH
Go ahead. You obviously like this house better.
NORMA
I can see Laurence here.
Cause he hates driving and his Drink and Draw is in the ID so I think his friends could come over sometimes if he was in Beacon Hill.
SARAH
You know his friends?
NORMA
(To Sarah)
No. But from what he’s said, they are kinda dorky artistic like him.
(To Laurence)
Texted you the measurements, Lar.
LAURENCE
They’d be pretty nice refinished…solid wood.
SARAH
This leads to the back which has a covered patio overlooking a nice sized yard for Beacon Hill.
NORMA
Nice, can we see the bedrooms?
LAURENCE
Woah. Someone had a cat. Norma, would you please measure this? Think my bedroom furniture would fit?
NORMA
Yep. I think so.
SARAH
What are you thinking?
LORETTA
Of course what they were really thinking was that the sun will kill vampires, yet Laurence had calmed enough to speak intelligently.
LAURENCE
I’m thinking maybe if I took the smaller room to sleep in and put a library and guest room in the bigger room? Studio in the dining room. The living room will be my TV room. Where’s the washer and dryer hookups?
NORMA
Oh, I saw them in this closet. Right next to the bathroom...Bathroom is pretty nice. Certainly livable for now, but I think I smell a little mold.
LAURENCE
Me too. Do those stay?
SARAH
The listing says all appliances.
LAURENCE
The light rail station is near the grocery store, a few blocks away right?
SARAH
Yes. Uphill four blocks.
NORMA
There’s an attic up there?
SARAH
Looks like it.
NORMA
Don’t worry I saw a stepstool here.
NORMA
What do you see, Lar? Any ghosts? (giggle)
LAURENCE
Insulation, a few venting fans, minimal rodent droppings. No ghosts.
By the joist placement, I think this home has never had a bad renovation...
This is the one…and I want to put in a full price, cash offer dependent upon inspection today, if we can.
SARAH
I can write up the paperwork today, but don’t get your hopes up for a reply until tomorrow. Maybe the day after. In this shape, expect there might be more than one offer. It’d be good if you wrote a letter to homeowner.
LAURENCE
Does that really work? I thought that was just a TV thing.
SARAH
In this case, I think so. You are putting in a cash offer, but you’re not a flipper or investor. This house gives me the vibe the owners want someone to love it. They had a life here...
NORMA took a selfie of herself and LAURENCE.
NORMA
My brother is putting in an offer on the cutest pink house!
LAURENCE
I’m not keeping the pink.
SOUND EFFECT: Car noises
LAURENCE
Will we have a bidding war?
NORMA
Don’t be silly.
LAURENCE
Will Derrik…
NORMA
Be mad I mentioned another brother? Probably not. But I also don’t see why he’s gonna know. You gonna tell him?
LAURENCE
No, but what if Sarah asks for a referral?
NORMA
Just say, you’ll pass her name along to anyone looking for a house.
Look, now she trusts you. She believes you have a vampire obsession, but you’re not a dangerous weirdo.
LAURENCE
Some dangerous weirdos have little sisters.
NORMA
I suppose some do. But Sarah thinks you’re only a part-time weirdo. She already knew you were artistic so we were halfway there anyway. More importantly you found a house today. Hopefully, they accept your offer. You’ll get through the inspections, and then everything will be perfect. But if the offer isn’t accepted, she will take you to look at even more houses!
Now this makeup kit is for you to get through the month. If you need more, just call...the most important part about being a day walker is not to do anything that would bring attention to yourself. You got to be quick, confident, and always remember your sunscreen.
LORETTA
Norma hugged Laurence before she left with her own kit. His response was reticent. Laurence watched her go and began to wish he had been more kind to the person who only wanted to help.
Exhausted from being up with the sun, Laurence laid on his bed. Yet the ability sleep evaded him. He rose and paced his apartment. He rubbed his dry eyes. He sat in his chair and tried to read, but then jumped up to straighten things and paced yet again until night arrived.
LAURENCE
I need to feed, but what if Sarah calls?
LORETTA
Laurence wandered his apartment. He heard Betty puttering around. Her hands were shaking and she dropped a cup. He hurried upstairs.
SOUND EFFECT: DOOR KNOCK
LAURENCE
Betty, you okay?
BETTY
I’m alright. I’m just making some tea. Want a cup?
LAURENCE
Sure. Why don’t you sit down? Let me help.
BETTY
Larry, your mother looks down on you with pride. Why aren’t you working?
LAURENCE
Nothing feels right. I’ve lost the house, I just know it. Another investor will tear it down.
BETTY
You got to have hope.
LORETTA
Laurence spent the night chatting with the elderly woman, drinking tea, and straightening a few things for her. I am sure Betty was right: Donna daRocco does no doubt watch her youngest son with pride.
SOUND EFFECT: PHONE RINGS
LAURENCE
Sarah, hi?
SARAH
Congratulations.You got the house.
LAURENCE
Thank you! I’m so happy!
SARAH
Now I have a name of a good inspector, but you can use anyone you like...
LORETTA
Laurence began the process of buying the house. He met Sarah and the House Inspector.
He followed them as they toured the property, careful to stay out of the sun as much as possible.
INSPECTOR
Looks like there is some minor mold under the sink and some old below-code plumbing, this corrosion on these joints make me nervous.
INSPECTOR
The electrical is old and no longer up to code, but still looks like it is all in good order. I’d replace the plumbing first. So this binder is the inspection report and a schedule for how soon things need to be replaced. Some people also store their paint chips and things in the back pockets.
LORETTA
The inspector removed her copy of inspection report from a binder that she had been writing in, hands Laurence the binder. They all shook hands and the inspector left with only a little shiver.
LAURENCE
Overall, there aren’t that many surprises, and it doesn’t change anything. I still want the house.
SARAH
In my opinion, you ought to ask for a drop in price of $5,000 to pay to upgrade the below-code plumbing and electrical. Especially because we’re at the top of your budget.
LAURENCE
Are you sure that’s wise? I really want the house.
SARAH
I think so. I’ll put in the modified offer with the inspector’s report today and we’ll just have to cross our fingers. They might say no, but we can restate our original offer. They accepted your offer quickly. Though there was only one other, it was under list price.
LORETTA
Laurence nervously went to Sarah’s office to write the modified offer. And after saying goodbye, he found a shady place on the sidewalk to await his rideshare. Distracted by the tracking app, he did not sense when vampire hunter approached.
VAMPIRE HUNTER
How dare the devil walk in the day!
LAURENCE
A White Toyota. Is that a Toyota? It is!
LORETTA
Laurence waved at his ride who slowed, and the vampire hunter unsheathed a knife.
Norma and Carlos yanked the hunter away from Laurence who is too deep in his own nervous thoughts to have noticed any of it.
VAMPIRE HUNTER
Demons!
Note to ACTORS: Match the pronouns to actor who is playing Vampire Hunter and Norma, politely use use sir, ma’am, or honored individual to match their gender.
LORETTA
Norma clamped her hand on the hunter’s mouth and push her to the ground. Norma and Carlos bound their hands with zipties and then their feet.
NORMA
Normally what you do in the day is your business, but I can’t have you hurting my granddad. I’m trying to reconcile...
Do you do drugs, Ma'am?
VAMPIRE HUNTER
What? No...
NORMA
Good. Me neither.
LORETTA
And Norma bit into their wrist.
NORMA
Oh your muscles will probably be a little tough, but I’m sure you’ll be still be delicious....
VAMPIRE HUNTER
You dirty....
NORMA
Quiet, Ma'am, please.
LORETTA
The hunter’s mouth opened, but no sound came out. They struggled, but to no avail, Carlos’s grip was far too strong, after all he died a young, strong athlete. Once he transformed into a shade, his power is unknowable - even to vampires.
NORMA
Do you need any meat?
LORETTA
Carlos scrawled a note and handed it to Norma.
CARLOS
Derrik won’t help you eat her?
NORMA
Derrik’ll be glad I killed a hunter, but he’ll worry about it.
Too bad Pascaline isn’t awake, once the hunter’s exsanguninated, we could carve them up and have a BBQ.
(Muttering)
I really need to invest in a chest freezer...
CARLOS
We could still have a BBQ.
NORMA
Me and you? Really? Yeah!
LORETTA
The vampire hunter doubled their efforts to break free.
CARLOS
You said she’d be delicious...
NORMA
My dad taught me how to carve ‘em up to make the meat as tender as possible. We ate lots of farmers in the old days so the meat was super stringy...
Calm yourself. You will die with no pain, no fear...because you chose this path...you knew the dangers....you lived your best life ...you followed your bliss to death...now sleep. You won’t wake again, [sir].
LORETTA
And with those words, the hunter slumped forward and began to snore. As Norma promised, he did not awake again, she slaughtered him quickly, she butchered the meat most carefully.
SOUND EFFECT: TRANSITION
LORETTA
As for Laurence, one can imagine the stress, he was going through back at his apartment.
LAURENCE
I shouldn’t have put in a modified offer. I shouldn’t have. Not in this market. What was I thinking?
Sound effect: LAURENCE’S cell rings.
SARAH
The seller accepted the modified offer.
LAURENCE
Wonderful. Now what do I do?
LORETTA
And so it was that the days passed slowly in Laurence’s mind, but he stayed home, focused on his painting and tried not to spend any money He also began the process of collecting paperwork as it happens when buying a house, but on the day of his final inspection he grew nervous about stepping into the sun again.
LAURENCE
Weather says Cloudy.
LORETTA
Laurence crossed fingers, but Seattle’s weather is wily, when he peeked out he saw the sun.
LAURENCE
I need to ignore the pain and the inner voice telling me to stay home in Betty’s basement where the sun can’t touch me.
LORETTA
Though Laurence did not want to go out into the sun, he applied sunscreen and a bit of foundation and bronzer from Norma’s kit. He put on a cap, sunglasses, gloves. Then put a hoodie over it all.
He nervously called for a ride and carefully sat in the middle of the back seat so the sun could not touch him.
M. HARRIS
Why you must be Laurence, come in.
LAURENCE
Thank you. I’m very excited for tomorrow. I hope I’m not intruding too much on your time.
M. HARRIS
You look very flushed; would you like a bottle of water?
LAURENCE
Thanks that’s so kind of you.
M. HARRIS
I’m still cleaning the kitchen, but everything’s out. I hoped I’d be all done before you got here, but it looks like we’ll need to make another dump run.
Everything seems to talk longer than I think it will and I found some stuff my kids may or may not want.
LAURENCE
Yes, I understand... Though I’m on the other end of it. I’ll try to do my inspection quickly and get out of your way.
M. HARRIS
Just let me know when you leave.
LORETTA
While M. Harris continued to clean, Laurence looked around, following the same path as he followed before.
LAURENCE
The Harrises have obviously been consistent about their method of cleaning. Faucets work, Drains still drain.
LAURENCE
Thank you for your time.
M. HARRIS
Good luck tomorrow! Nice to meet you.
LAURENCE
Unless the world ends tonight, I will have a home!
NORMA
Don’t worry, the world did not end. I wouldn’t have let it.
LORETTA
Thank you Norma.
1027 1 1 235. Immortal House Room Tone.1064 46 0 0 3 67
LORETTA
That evening, Laurence paced, he check and rechecked the file box for all his paperwork.
He had not slept, he had not hunted or even ate blood as dawn crept in the east. Anticipation made him ready for his nine o clock appointment,
Laurence carefully applied sunscreen he rubs his tongue against his fangs to ensure they were not forward. He layered his clothes and put on a cap and left his apartment with his paperwork.
LAURENCE
That looks like everything… I can handle this.
BETTY
Wait a second!
LORETTA
Betty wobbled a little as she followed Laurence from her porch. But even in his hurry, Laurence slowed and then shortened the distance between them and assisted her back to the bench she favored on the porch.
BETTY
You better watch that blood sugar now. Take this drink with you and if you get the shakes…
LAURENCE
Uh.
BETTY
I won’t hear another word about it. You take it.
LAURENCE
Thanks?
LORETTA
And Laurence hurried to his ride-share and went to his escrow appointment.
SOUND EFFECT: TRANSITION
ESCROW OFFICER
Hi, you must be Laurence Roch. First thing I need is identification, please.
LAURENCE
I have my passport.
ESCROW OFFICER
Great, I just need to make a copy and attach it to the file.
My understanding is this will be a cash sale.
LAURENCE
Yes and here’s the receipt from the wire transfer.
ESCROW OFFICER
Hmmm. Monte dei Paschi di Siena, not one I see every day.
LAURENCE
I’ve family in Venice.
ESCROW OFFICER
Such a beautiful country. I hope to go someday...
Now I have the Harrises’s signature on the title transfer and I need yours right here.
LORETTA
Hands trembling, Laurence signed the title transfer. The Escrow Officer set it aside.
Laurence signed the next document. Escrow Officer set it aside, forming a neat little pile.
SOUND EFFECT: HEARTBEAT FADES IN AND GETS LOUDER.
LORETTA
Fighting to ignore the rush of hunger, Laurence began to rub his temples then glanced at his phone.
ESCROW OFFICER
I know this takes awhile, but on the bright side, this is a cash sale. It’d be worse if you had a mortgage attached to it.
LORETTA
Overwhelmed by the healthy young human’s strong heartbeat, Laurence felt his fangs expand behind his lips. He held himself very still, afraid to look. He salivated and imagined the taste the escrow officer’s blood on his tongue.
ESCROW OFFICER
You okay?...Laurence, you okay?
SOUND EFFECT: HEARTBEAT GROWS LOUDER
LORETTA
Terrified, he might eat his escrow officer and lose the house, Laurence popped open Betty’s bright red bottled drink and took a big gulp. He tasted a mix of fruit, vegetables, and the unmistakeable tang of blood.
SOUND EFFECT: HEARTBEAT GROWS SOFTER.
LORETTA
After he regained some semblance of control, Laurence took another sip.
SOUND EFFECT ENDS.
LAURENCE
Yes, I’m so sorry. Just a bit of a panic attack. Sorry.
ESCROW OFFICER
Don’t worry. We’re halfway there.
Plenty of first-time homebuyers get nervous. Sign here please.
And here....
And here....
ESCROW OFFICER
Here we go. This is the final copy of the closing disclosure, deed, and your house keys. Congratulations! You bought your first home.
LORETTA
Laurence shook the human’s hand politely, and then left.
Feeling his icy slick hand made her skin crawl a bit, and the escrow officer quickly locked her office once Laurence was through the door, but she never knew how close she was to death.
SOUND EFFECT: TRANSITION
LAURENCE
Betty I did it. I’m a homeowner!
Thanks for the drink. It helped. How’d you know I’d need it?
BETTY
Norma gave it to me.
BETTY
Sit before you fall down.
LAURENCE
What did she ask for it?
BETTY
She said there was no charge…The potion is cat blood, blueberry and spinach juices for vitamins and minerals. And not to worry, the cat is fine. She only used the extra from a blood test. She said it would take the edge off.
LAURENCE
Betty…
BETTY
Takes all kinds. You pay the rent and are a respectful tenant. That’s what matters. I’m sorry to see you go, but so happy for you. Now let me know if you want more time to do some repairs. We can work something out on a month to month basis.
LAURENCE
You’re being calmer than I expected. Most humans don’t react this way.
BETTY
Well, I’m curious about a few things...
LAURENCE
Please don’t ask me to change you.
BETTY
I wasn’t. I’m curious if it’s more like Blade, or Interview with a Vampire, or Twilight?
LAURENCE laughs.
LAURENCE
I didn’t read Twilight, but we burn in the sun. For it to be like Blade, we’d all have to get much cooler, real quick. And nobody is a great-looking, French lord turned rockgod who can read minds and is mega-rich to boot.
BETTY
Even with lifetimes of compound interest?
LAURENCE
As a rule, history has a way of messing with us. I lost every dime in the Great Depression. It’s hard for the undead to get mortgages or insurance through traditional means. Some vampires don’t have the correct paperwork even if they’ve lived here for decades.
Seattle’s other vampires are middle class, a little better for some. However, the property which they exist on is their biggest asset. They struggle because someone makes a mistake, needs a couple thousand dollars to clean the mess. Or worse, someone gets in a car accident and injures someone. Now they need half a million. In the coven, everyone chips in to help. If they are alone, like me, well, they skip town before they arrested and immolated their first day in jail.
BETTY
You don’t make it sound appealing.
LAURENCE
It’s why I don’t drive. ...And it can be lonely.
BETTY
Hmmm.
Norma mentioned you could eat meat so I bought us some nice steaks for supper to celebrate. If not tonight, the next few evenings are fine. Norma’s keeping her schedule open.
LAURENCE
Supper? You invited Norma to supper.
BETTY
I feel for that girl.
LAURENCE
Norma’s not a girl! She’s a formidable mind reader, clairvoyant, and hypnotist.
BETTY
She told me ...how did she put it…when she was as young as her body appears, you helped her get into college because you made her do geometry even when she thought it dull.
LAURENCE
I suppose that is accurate.
BETTY
And she told me…well it’s silly for a house warming present, but I hope you like it.
LAURENCE
Earth from your garden. It’s perfect! Thank you.
BETTY
Norma told me you’d need it because we care about each other and I will remain in your memory as long as you walk the earth.
LAURENCE
Yes. You’re one of the kindest people I’ve known. I don’t want to ever forget you...and yes, I’d love a steak. What time?
BETTY
Eight?
LAURENCE
Great, I’ll be back around 7:30. I need to go to the house and do a few things there...
SOUND EFFECT: TRANSITION
SOUND EFFECT: DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING
LAURENCE
My stone fireplace. My little windows. You’re perfect!...
LAURENCE
Once I set auto-payments on my taxes, nothing can take you away from me. I swear you will never be ill-kept or lonely.
Wait...
Are you even mine? Am I back in debt? I could send Norma a message, maybe I am too paranoid.
(pause)
But how did the old saying go? Just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean you’re not out to get me.
SOUND EFFECT: HITTING PHONE SCREEN
SOUND EFFECT: PHONE RINGING
NORMA groans.
NORMA
I knew I shouldn’t have shown Laurence the secret of being a day walker....Hello?
LAURENCE
Why must you take such risks?
NORMA
Dude. Betty’s a smart lady, don’t ya think she noticed your fangs?
We on for dinner tonight?
LAURENCE
She might have evicted me!
NORMA
No way, she said you’re the best tenant ever. You pay the rent on time and always check on her when she’s feeling poorly.
LAURENCE
The coven might come after her. Or you!
NORMA
I won’t let anyone mess with her. I marked her house and your new one with a protection ward. PS. cat’s fine, just needed a bloodtest.
LAURENCE
I’ve been marked since I moved to Betty’s house?
NORMA
Not that long, but longer than you know. I didn’t want to lose track of you again. If I’d known what happened to Rob, I would’ve never left you guys there to rot. I’m so sorry that happened.
LAURENCE
Damn it, I’m not paying for all this protection...
I will never join your coven. Leave me alone. I don’t want to owe the PFC another debt when your bean counters realize you are casting protection wards for me....
And what will Derrik say...
NORMA
You said you couldn’t do it alone, so I came to help. Derrik knows. You don’t owe me anything... I would’ve walked into the sun if you hadn’t helped me when I was a kid.
LAURENCE
What are you talking about?
NORMA
Remember how you mentioned it was safe to sleep in a bed or a couch. Derrik only knew what the elders knew. If Derrik hadn’t listened to you…I would’ve walked into the sun. I thought about it enough.
LAURENCE
What?
NORMA
I know. 500 years old and Agata didn’t know we didn’t have to sleep in coffins. Bananas! Anyway, I was scared all the time, but you, Derrik, and Pascaline were always there. Even when I had panic attacks or did something dumb, you all stayed with me. I know I wasn’t an easy kid.
I know what its like for a vampire to not have a safe place to rest your head and
I wanted you to get someplace safe to rest your head. That’s all.
LAURENCE
You don’t exist in the coven.
NORMA
I keep an office there, but no.
I’ll show you my condo if you want to see it.... But I really must sleep now.
LAURENCE
Ok. Sleep well. Wait...I do want to see you home sometime.
NORMA
Okay! Talk to you soon.
LAURENCE
Okay, bye.
I am safe. And my house is perfect...
Other than the smell of cat pee. I really need to rip out this carpet...
Think logically. Don’t get too worked up. I have 5000 dollars I did not spend on the house to spend on the house...
I will restore you room by room as the money comes in. There will be problems. It doesn’t matter.
Like me, you will be immortal.
LORETTA
And that’s how Laurence found his Immortal home....
Shortly after Laurence moved into his new home, he had a lovely party. We were all invited. And Laurence and Norma exchanged more Earth which helped Laurence see her as she is now... rather than the child she was when he was her tutor.
And now a word from our sponsor: Sirens of Salish Sea produces perfumed skin-nourishing soaps and lotions using all-natural sea salt, non-invasive species of kelp, cedar, berries, and grasses held together in delightful amalgamations of discarded sea serpent scales and the blood of careless sailors which are collected, manufactured, and bottled from our own local sea and shorelines.
Our Ballard store is still open every day, and satellite store in the Paper Flower Consortium, Suite East B, is run by vampire staff and open every night from 9 pm to 6 am. Come on by!
Q&A
I have received a similar question in the past, but I want to answer this one for new initiates
Initiate Kelly Asks, Lady Loretta: What if someone wants to buys into the coven but isn’t into art deco?
First of all, this is a vampire building so only vampires or third year initiates can buy into the building. All Enthralled Humans are tenants of their vampire. While the building public spaces are designed by the HOA’s historical and beautification committee, as an owner vampire, you can do anything you like with the inside of your condo as long as it is legal and does not impede upon the quiet enjoyment of your neighbors.
The HOA regulations which govern renovations are under Section J, Rules 5-10. Basically, you must have licensed contractors do the work and submit your plans to Agata and the rest of the HOA board, who will ensure codes, including sound proofing and insulation are up to day, and then you must notify your neighbors in a timely manner.
If you are doing major renovations, you will need the legal permits to do so. Though not his specialty, Derrik does know who to contact with the city so everything will run smoothly.
Most human contractors don’t want to mess with vampire buildings quiet hours, so we have a list of vampire and other supernatural contractors, but you can use anyone you want.
Now the next question was made by a lovely young woman I met at WA Horror Con who asked me about photography?
Lady
*
Ladies, Honored Individuals, and Gentlemen Vampires, You may be forever the age you were at your turning, but that is no reason to neglect your skin care routine. Whether you were turned at twenty-five or sixty-five, we want to help you look and smell your best in eternity!
I have received a similar question in the past, but I want to answer this one for new initiates.
Lady Loretta: What if someone wants to buys into the coven but isn’t into art deco?
First of all, this is a vampire building so only vampires or third year initiates can buy into the building. All Enthralled Humans are tenants of their vampire. While the building public spaces are designed by the HOA’s historical and beautification committee, as an owner vampire, you can do anything you like with the inside of your condo as long as it is legal and does not impede upon the quiet enjoyment of your neighbors.
The HOA regulations which govern renovations are under Section J, Rules 5-10. Basically, you must have licensed contractors do the work and submit your plans to Agata and the rest of the HOA board, who will ensure codes, including sound proofing and insulation are up to day, and then you must notify your neighbors in a timely manner.
If you are doing major renovations, you will need the legal permits to do so. Though not his specialty, Derrik does know who to contact with the city so everything will run smoothly.
Most human contractors don’t want to mess with vampire buildings quiet hours, so we have a list of vampire and other supernatural contractors, but you can use anyone you want.
A lovely young woman at WA State Horror Con asked me this next question: Lady Loretta can vampires take pictures?
No.
Older vampires who were not around during the introduction of photgraphy have details portraits made in modern clothing for identification purposes. This is why vampires always get a modest photograph taken prior to transformations and new Initates are encouraged to take several photographs and if possible purchase a future proofing social media package from a vampire run photography studio.
Good night and sleep the sleep of the dead.
The vampires of the Paper Flower Consortium and the novella Immortal House were written by Elizabeth Guizzetti. The novella was adapted for podcasts in 2024 after the stage play which was adapted in 2022.
Ken Carlson as Laurence Roch.
Amy Riddle as Sarah
Stevie Rae Causey as Norma.
Hannah Duff as Betty
Lydia Randall as Pascaline and The Escrow Officer
Jun Hsu as Bill
Jennifer Brozek as Agata and Ms. Harris
Rob Clifford as Lovely Human, Jakub, and Carlos
Abby Masterson as Human with Dog
Nikki Burton as Bartenders #1 and 2 and The House Inspector
Gretchen SB as Norma’s Dispatch, Victim #1 and Vampire Hunter
Dennis Roberts as Victim #2 and Rob
Elizabeth Guizzetti as your narrator, Loretta.
The amazing intro and outro music was written by Evan Witt and you can learn about his music at www.wittynotes.com